A Touching Story For The New Depression...

"You know, dear, that you are my favorite person with a penis in the entire world. You are funny, sporadically caring, and smart. Perhaps too smart. That you are wrong, even occasionally, isn't the end of the world..."

- a semi-scolding given to Gabe Travers in Songs For The New Depression

Sometimes a book really works because it takes you to a whole different world. Other times a book really works because it feels like you are in your own familiar world, with a new perspective that makes you think and feel. For me, Songs For The New Depression by Kergan Edwards-Stout was that kind of involving, emotional read.

Songs is an AIDS novel and much more than that; with its reverse timeline and Bette Midler references (the title comes from one of her early albums), this is a really creative book. It's the story of Gabe Travers, a hyper-articulate, self-centred gay man in his 40s facing death and looking back... to a difficult childhood, lost loves, wounded friendships, racist pancakes and assorted sexual misadventures.

I've heard that just before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. There is an element of that here, as Gabe is looking back at his life with wistfulness and wit. This is an emotional and at times outright funny book. And it's an intimate one, and I don't mean that in a woo-hoo boys having sex kind of way, though it certainly has that. It is intimate in terms of being real and personal for someone of my age and generation, coming of age in the 80s (hello, Human League!), thinking about our loves and insecurities and loneliness and friendship and complicated families.

Gabe is a flawed person, and the writer's skill shows in making us care so much about someone who is not warm and fuzzy. Gabe is catty and cruel, makes mistakes, and is insecure and human and real.

While there are sections of Songs that are breezy fun, the book is tough to read at times, because I cared about the characters and they go through difficult stuff. But I couldn't put it down.

Songs For The New Depression touched me and stayed with me. It's a competitive publishing world out there, and this is a first novel put out by a small press. I hope it finds a big audience.

(A review copy of this book was provided by the publisher. This review is my own. No compensation was received... Oreos would have been nice).

Brad Pitt's Gay Marriage Pledge....

I gotta love Brad Pitt... in addition to being an Oscar-nominated actor (Moneyball, Benjamin Button) and big time film producer (The Departed, Eat Pray Love), he is an activist and humanitarian, and has adopted 974 children with his spousal equivalent Angelina Jolie. And he's not too hard on the eyes either.

Pitt has been outspoken in his support of the GLBTQ community, most especially in giving his money and support for marriage equality:

"Can you believe that we’re still fighting for equality in America? To be against marriage for everyone is utter discrimination. I feel strongly about that because if equality of marriage doesn’t happen now, the next generation will have to deal with it.

It is an amazing thing that New York has finally gotten same-sex marriage. But the real problem is that the federal government hides behind states on this issue. It is blatant, ugly bigotry, and the federal government shouldn’t be doing that. You’re denying some Americans the right that all Americans have, to live their lives as they choose."

In 2006, Pitt pledged that he and partner Angeline Jolie would not marry until everyone could marry.

This week, the media reported that Pitt is reconsidering that pledge. His love for the mother of his children might be stronger than his patience as he hints to The Hollywood Reporter that we might hear wedding bells ring for Pitt and Jolie before we hear them ring for same-sex couples:

"We’d actually like to, and it seems to mean more and more to our kids. We made this declaration some time ago that we weren’t going to do it till everyone can. But I don’t think we’ll be able to hold out. It means so much to my kids, and they ask a lot. And it means something to me, too, to make that kind of commitment.”

I don’t think he should hold out if marriage is what Pitt and his family want. He’s able to, and they’re making an issue of their support for equality, which is enough. It’s not like we’re asking same-sex couples living in areas where they can get married to hold off until everyone else can. Hell, it's not like I held out.

The whole intent is everyone should be entitled to get married. Brad Pitt has done enough by recognising the inequality and supporting the fight against it, there’s no need to add another family unnecessarily into the fray.

So Brad and Angelina, go ahead and get hitched... just make the wedding FABULOUS, and then sell the wedding pics to People for five million bucks and give the proceeds to an equality campaign.

I'll be looking for my invitation in the mail...

The TV Doctor Will See You Now...

Call Me Doctor with Rachel Bilson from Rachel Bilson

A real doctor would't dress like me, act like me, look like me...?

On the teen friendly CW network, there's a little show called Hart of Dixie, which I have never seen. It starts Rachel Bilson from The O.C., which I have never seen. Holy crap, I gotta watch more TV....

So Hart of Dixie, which I have posted video from before due to their insanely attractive cast, is about a glam New York Doctor who moves south to a small town and goes into culture shock. I think like a female Doc Hollywood kind of deal.

Showing humour and charm to spare (I so gotta try this show), Dixie star Rachel Bilson got in on the Funny or Die video fun, shooting a rap video “Call Me Doctor” with her Dixie co-stars Scott Porter and Wilson Bethel, who wrote and produced the track. And are easy on the eyes. (For the unfamiliar, funnyordie.com is where celebs cut loose with silly short films, with sometimes hysterical results).

Bilson goes full attitude in the clip with rhymes like “critics talking shit about my acting/ nice chick shtick ain’t happenin’” and an intro that directly confronts some of the criticism against the show: “A real doctor wouldn’t dress like me? Act like me? Look like me?…Aw, hell no!”

My favorite part may be when she takes on the “haters” who have mentioned that Bilson as a believable doctor may be a bit of a stretch. She has two words for you: “Doogie Howser.”

Clever stuff... Bring on the Hart of Dixie musical episode!

Don't talk to anyone. Don't touch anyone...

Don't reach out, don't touch anyone... I watched Contagion this weekend and lived to tell the tale.

Contagion follows the lightning fast progress of a lethal airborne virus that travels the globe and kills one by one and then million by million. As the fast-moving epidemic grows, the worldwide medical community races to find a cure and control the panic that spreads faster than the virus itself. At the same time, ordinary people played by Oscar-winning celebrities struggle to survive in a society ripping itself apart.

The movie is realistic and scary. According to Contagion, the average person touches their face two to three thousand times a day... and in between that we are touching door knobs, public toilets, car doors, and each other. So yep the next person to get lesions and die within hours could be anyone of us.

Kate Winslet is an Epidemic Intelligence Service Officer, whatever the hell that is, and does a graph of how many people each person will infect -- with small pox it was 3 each, with the flu is 1 person we pass on to; this is the "R-Knot", the contagion factor, and this new mysterious disease is spreading at a rate of 4. She is chasing down infected people to find the routing of the disease, while other celebs are out there following the infection clusters, testing for a vaccine, breaking the story, initiating a cover-up and controlling the spin.

Director Steven Soderbergh (Traffic, Erin Brockovich) fills the flick with stars, and at times the whole Love Boat Of Death factor is distracting; as there is a suspenseful plot but not much in terms of deep characters, I never forgot I was watching Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Marion Cotillard, and Lawrence Fishburne. Damon is great as the everyman hero, though there is not much for him to do aside from mourn and worry; the rest of the characters are not so not so easily to relate to, and part of that is the distraction of wondering who is going to foam at the mouth and keel over next.

Contagion works because it shows the terror in everyday life, from pushing an elevator button to touching a shopping cart. It is terrifying and alarming.

Get me a surgical mask, latex gloves, full body Purell. Maybe a very large bubble. Don't touch me.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but this film will make you disinfect everything in site. And avoid public places. And human contact.

While it feels almost impersonal in some ways, Contagion is fantastic at depicting the fear and panic as it spreads. That is as scary as the disease.

While Contagion is not a fun movie, it is suspenseful and thought-provoking, and I am glad I watched it. I am especially happy I saw it at home rather than in a theatre, sitting on those chairs that other people sat on, walking on those sticky floors, touching those armrests... oy, I gotta bring a large amount antibacterial something next time I got a movie theatre...

Alfie for President 2012!

Even here in Canada, the upcoming US election is everywhere; if it weren't for Keystone controversy and Mark Wahlberg idiocy, we would have the election on an endless frigging loop of coverage.

As a Canadian I don't get to vote in this election, as I have to choose among our own political morons not yours. I would clearly be a democrat. Maybe less enthusiastically than four years ago, but still steadfast.

Sure, in some ways Obama has been a disappointment, though in his defence he has had every hurdle possible tossed at him, and done lots of good stuff. Here's a good idea I have seen out there.. how about Hillary as Veep?

The ever-shortening list GOP candidates now consists of elitist dog abuser Mitt Romney, weirdly amphibian-named adulterer New Gingrich, out-of-touch Ron Paul, and medieval homophobe Santorum (you gotta google him).

So here's a better alternative... Alfred for President!

He is cute (okay not a prerequisite for Prez, look at Nixon)... he likes everyone... he has a tax-free financial plan (his Dad supports him)... and everyone likes him. Alfred the candidate is in favour of universal healthcare, true education reform, marriage equality, better relations with Cuba (land of his ancestors) and stronger pooper scooper laws. And he's smarter than Rick Perry.

Okay, there are technical problems that disqualify him, like at age four he isn't old enough and he was born in Canada, however he'd still be a better independent choice than Donald Trump...

Brrr... Canada's Long John Index...

We live in Edmonton, in northern Canada. It's effing cold here... "Winter Wonderland" my ass.

As I write this, it is 11 at night, I am watching TV, knowing I have to take the dogs out for a quick pee, and dreading it. It is MINUS 48 fucking degrees out there. Celsius. We are beyond extreme cold warnings, people. When it is this cold a digit could just fall off. An important one!

I wore ski socks and boots with my suit today. Standing outside to fill up my car was brutal. The autoclub is quoting nine hours for a flat tire service call. Everyone's nipples are painful and pointed like a Madonna bra. School buses are cancelled. Not the time to go commando.

Beyond dressing warm, at some point it should be long john weather. Although I am known to wear multiple pairs of fluffy ski socks and non-sexy layered sweats, I haven't worn these in years, though it may be time again. Here they are looking somewhat sexy, which trust me is not the real world...

Long johns, or long underwear, are warm thermal long-sleeved undergarments. When I was a kid I word these skiing. And nylon suspender over-pants. Attractive, huh? Who cares. warm is warm.

This week on twitter, the world's source of all real news, I discovered The Long John Index, a 'not-scientific-whatsoever' method of measuring when, and if, one should be wearing a pair of thermal long underwear, known more commonly in the Dominion of Canada as 'Long Johns”. The Long John Index originated in the Arctic Capital of Edmonton Alberta, in the second decade of the 21rst Century. It is used mainly for edutainment and gambling purposes.

The Index runs on a scale from 1 to 5; the higher the number, the more you need long john's. And I gotta tell you, these guys seem wimpy to me. With us nearing minus 50 it is hypothermia cars-don't-start weather, so yes we need long john's. Or to just stay home by the fireplace drinking hot chocolate and wearing every damn piece of clothing we own. But warmer than minus 30? Naaah...

Index rating 1: Low/Wimpy, temperatures between 0 and –10 celsius, no windchill. Long Johns not needed.

Index rating 2: Moderate, temperature between 0 and –10, with measurable windchill. Long Johns probably a good idea if you are spending more than an hour or so outdoors.

Index rating 3: High, temperature between -10 and –20. Long Johns should be worn for being outdoors for anything more than half-an-hour.

Index rating 4: Crazy High, Temperature between –20 and –30. Long Johns should be worn if you are outdoors for more than 10 minutes. It’s bleeping cold.

Index rating 5: Effin Nuts, Temperatures of –30 and worse. Windchill no longer matters. Long Johns should be worn INDOORS. Don’t even bother going outdoors. You may die out there.

Today was a SIX. Off the damn scale. Effin nuts.. Crap oh crap. I need full-body long johns. Including a mask, so I look like I am robbing a bank. Then I will rob a bank, take the cash and move somewhere that is way warmer than this arctic wasteland... okay, breathe, better now, it's just a cold spell during a Canadian winter.... we get those.

And now to warm everyone, another gratuitous pic... here is proof there are fashion crimes even in the world of long johns... really, a jaguar print? Who thought of this? And, uh, where do they sell them and how warm are they? Hmm....

Find the index at http://longjohnindex.ca

It's an honour just to be nominated...

My friend Lisa, who I met when we both worked in a bookstore and has since pursued a secondary life as an artist, says that we all need "a secret life" or a passion outside of our career.

I believe that when you do a creative endeavor, like sculpting, painting, or writing, you really have to do it for yourself first. And as much as I love when people read this blog, and am a total comment whore, I really do it for myself first.

Still, self-winding as I am, we all love a little love, and this week I got a whack of that, when alfred lives here was one of five blogs shortlisted as best LGBTQ (lesbian gay bisexual trans queer) weblog in Canada.

I grinned for hours after seeing this. I saw it on twitter, cuz that's where all the fresh news is. So huge thanks to the CWAs for this vote of confidence. And thanks too for the ginormous spinach feta pizza... wait, that wasn't you?

What is this award? From the awards website: The Canadian Weblog Awards promote good weblogs of all genres from across Canada... The Canadian Weblog Awards are about quality not popularity, so there is no public vote. Each weblog is judged by a volunteer jury against a set of criteria.

Am I gonna win? I am guessing not. I am not that lucky. It would be so totally cool though. Cuz they send you a shiny new car when you win! Uh, wait, that's not right...?

A Capella Moves Like Jagger...

Ignoring all hits by anyone named Katy or Britney, "the" pop song of last summer was likely Moves Like Jagger, by Maroon 5 with a cameo by Christina Aguilera.

I like this song a lot, and downloaded it to my running iPod. Liking it surprised me because it's from Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera.

What do I think of Maroon 5? I cannot name of a single one of their songs, though gotta admit lead singer Adam Levine is hot and his outspoken support for gay rights is admirable.

As for Christina Aguilera, she has an amazing voice but hasn't put out decent music since her jazzy Back to Basics album in 2006, and she has the worst fashion sense this side of Kelly Clarkson.

Yet I do love the song... at least I did until I came across this amazingly better version. It's an a capella cover by Jordan Campbell, a student at Toronto's Ryerson University. Mr Show-Off sings, hums, 'drums' and whistles through the song. Yep, the rest of us are talent-less losers.

According to Campbell's YouTube description, the song contained 50 different audio tracks and 76 video sequences. And I love the Brady Bunch esque visuals...

Saved by the... Underwear?

I am a little older than the Saved By The Bell generation, but I remember being vaguely aware of the show when it was on, and since the 90s it has been on endlessly in syndication. Endlessly. And let's not mention their College Years series disaster. Fave factoid ---- I do sorta love that what's-her-name from Showgirls started there.

I remember becoming aware of Mario Lopez when he played Greg Louganis in the 90s, a pretty bold choice for him at the time. Okay, and from an 80s guest spot as a kid on The Golden Girls. That I have seen like thirty times.

Then Lopez disappeared off the face of the earth for about 15 years. Or at least off my radar. According to Google he has been acting on TV, writing fitness books, dancing on TV and Broadway, and doing some TV hosting all this time... who knew?

So it was very cool to see Lopez this week on gay mag The Advocate's website, coincidentally stripped down in his skivvies, talking about growing up, appreciating his gay fans, and yes selling his new line of underwear...

At what point in your career did you realize it wasn’t just girls who were swooning over you?
I probably realized it in my 20s. Maybe my late teens.

And in your experience, how are gay fans different from straight fans?
Gay fans are very loyal. And very cool. I’m honored to be embraced by the gay community. They’re the smartest and the hippest. They determine what’s hot out there.

Well said... and Lopez is nearing 40, and holy crap look at those abs!


The tagline for the underwear line is For Men And Their Very Special Guests. That's kind of clever actually...

Then again, I heart Diane Keaton...

I have been listening to Diane Keaton read her autobiography Then Again on CD as I drive, and I gotta say, that even with my pretty high expectations, she blew me away.

Much as I love the typical Loni Anderson-esque superficial Hollywood bio, this isn't one of them.

For the curious like me, yes, Ms. Keaton dishes on her relationships, with Al Pacino ("Sometimes I swear Al must have been raised by wolves"), Warren Beatty ("when Warren chose to shine his light on you, there was no going back."), and especially Woody Allen (“He would cringe if he knew how much I care about him”).

Then Again is so much more than a Hollywood tale. Structurally, Keaton shares her biography with the journals of her late mother, a 1950s housewife with unfulfilled artistic ambitions and bouts of depression. Like all biographies, she talks about growing up and learning about life, the difference here is that she has actually learned stuff, and tells the story with charm and humour. And having her read the audio, clearly enjoy it, and get emotional at the sad parts, is breathtaking.

Famous since her Oscar-winning role as Annie Hall, Keaton has since moved into artsy projects such as books about architecture and photography, and directing a documentary on heaven. She is living the “age thing” (she’s 65) that female stars face, with minimum humiliation. She writes honestly about fame, bulimia, family, love, loneliness, fear of intimacy, sexism, and self-esteem. And she’s self-sufficient, saying in Then Again, “I never found a home in the arms of a man.”

The message of Annie Hall is: Love fades. Keaton gushes over Allen for making Annie Hall a funny movie with a sad ending. That same funny/sad tone is in this memoir, which is smart and quirky and rambling and awkward, along with charming and sweet and sad and soulful. And on audio it seemed almost too personal at times. Take the time to read it. Or listen to Keaton herself read it to you, as I did...

My Blackberry is not working...

I am an iPhone/iPad/iPod type of guy, and my husband loves his beloved Crackberry. Opposites attract...

So laughing at Blackberry products (hello... Playbook, anyone?) is very enjoyable for me. And when a coworker showed me this video I could not stop laughing. Yes, out loud, at the office. I am classy with a "k"...

New Year's... Evolutions?

I love lists. I love making them, and especially love checking things off and feeling that sense of accomplishment. I used to obsess over New Year's resolutions, with themes, timelines, sub-topics, etc. Then I realised was how geeky this was, and that I was spending too much time creating the damn lists and not enough time actually getting shit done.

With the best of intentions, this process was a way to focus on my failures of the past year, beat myself up for awhile, and then start the process all over again. So yep, action-packed but not really healthy.

I have read where people talk about New Year's resolutions as being a set-up to fail, so they come up with anti-resolutions ("eat more chocolate"), or theme words ("my year of integrity!"), or just condemn the whole process. Or they get cutesy and use New Year's Revolutions instead (too militaristic), or New Year's Evolutions (hey, I like that one, talks about steady growth).

Evolving and growing are important. Goal setting and having a plan is important. The truth is, we don't have to wait for New Year's to reinvent ourselves, we can do that anytime. I know it's true because (a) it's hugely obvious, and (2) Kim Kardashian tweeted about it this weekend. Yes, really.

According to Psychology Today, 50% of North Americans make New Year's Resolutions. 22% fail after one week, 50% fail in 6 months, 81% fail eventually. Crap oh crap.

The most popular resolutions are to quit smoking and to decrease alcohol consumption. I don't smoke or drink, so woo hoo, mission accomplished, I am done! Or maybe not...

I like goals, and I think I need them. So I did what every calm thinking rational person would do... I surrendered to the power of the Google, found a random resolution generator (www.moninavelarde.com/newyears/), and left it up to the fates. So here are my randomly chosen yet totally sincere 2012 New Year's Resolutions...
1- avoid drama
2- meditate
3- knit a scarf
4- plant a tree or two or three
5- learn to cope
6- make a paper collage
7- be a rock star
8- look up at the sky
9- learn to tie a tie (hey, I do that five days a week...)
10- get a piercing

In the spirit of New Year's honesty, I admit that the generator also threw in "Believe" (yep, do that) and "go camping" (not gonna, and you can't make me).


Ah, screw that brilliant randomness. Let's go with evolutions and work on the continual journey to be a better me. And yes I know how Oprah-esque that sounds. Crap oh crap.

So, drumroll please, here are the closest I am getting to New Year's Evolutions...
1- be a better husband and friend
2- avoid all Twilight movies
3- not use “password” as my password
4- do that yoga thing (hey, once was great, maybe the second will be also)
5- watch every episode of The Big Bang Theory on every channel in every time slot just in case I have missed an episode
6- avoid Larry the Cable Guy on TV... and in real life.
7- give back: figure out my next charity or community involvement
8- use that shiny new treadmill we bought at least four days a week and take off that extra 15 pounds the Oreo aliens snuck in at night and attached to my body....

Wish me luck... and what are your New Year's Resolutions (or Evolutions)?

Happy 2012...

It's a shiny brand new year... thanks for reading alfred lives here, and Happy New Year!

"Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right." -- Oprah Winfrey

There is a much-ballyhooed 2012 phenomenon which predicts the end of the world in 2012... I think hey, this year alone we have survived Charlie Sheen's "Winning!", the Russell Brand and Katy Perry split, and Kardashian everything, so we should be good to go... Happy New Year, make it a great one!

Alfie's Favourite Things, 2011

This has been such a busy year for me (change of work, home, etc.), that it feels like I have lost some footing as a pop culture vulture and am behind on my viewing, listening, reading, and am especially behind on making snarky anti-Kardashian comments. Sure gotta catch up on all of these!

That being said, I am a total pop culture junkie, and here are my faves of the year. Let me know your favourites in the comments, I have some catching up to do!


Movies
I am behind the starting line here, as have not (yet!) seen many of the critical hits like The Artist, The Tree Of Life, The Descendants, or the latest Adam Sandler bomb. My fave movie so far was Crazy Stupid Love, the smart and grown-up romantic comedy with Steve Carrell and Julianne Moore; it made me laugh and made me care about its characters. Honourable mention to Moneyball, Midnight in Paris, and X-Men First Class.


Book, fiction
Julian Barnes' The Sense Of An Ending took my breath away; this slim haunting smart novel is about Tony Webster, a middle-aged man who hears of the death of a figure from his past and for the first time re-examines his life choices by going out and investigating his own past; his soul searching became mine. A terrific read.
Honourable mention to a creative new new twist on Sherlock Holmes in The Sherlockian, Jodi Picault's family drama Sing Me Home, and the suspenseful and twisty Await Your Reply.


Books, non-fiction
Famous movie reviewer Roger Ebert amazed me with his autobiography Life Itself, where he talks about movies and family and travel and business and his fight with cancer. It is a smart and interesting read, easily my favourite of the year.
Honourable Mention to the beautiful and fascinating coffee table book Fleetwood Mac: The Definitive History and the Starbucks business book Onward.

TV
Best show overall is still my beloved The Good Wife, which got smarter and faster and continued to pile on talented guest starts like Michael J Fox and use them wisely. While I watch a lot of TV, there are few shows I really follow, and this is the top of that list. It is complex and smart and morally thoughtful. It really is The Great Wife.
Honourable mention to the always funny The Big Bang Theory and the surprisingly intimate and touching A Very Gaga Thanksgiving. And we also watch a lot of the disturbing and addictive Criminal Minds.


Music
Adele, 21: While reminding me of the Shirelles sand Supremes, and 70s Billy Joel and Elton John, and yet totally original, this soulful heartbreaking spirited album about an angry breakup is breathtaking. I have been playing it in my car for months, and we will be playing it twenty years from now. It is that good.
Honourable mention to Steve Nicks, In Your Dreams, Kelly Clarkson, Stronger, and Lady Gaga, Born This Way.

iPad Apps
While not new to the Apple world, it was new to me... I love love love iPad Scrabble. It's like real old fashion Scrabble and so much more.


Live shows
In New York, we saw the new Broadway musical Priscilla Queen of the Desert and loved every minute of its joyous happy self. And in Las Vegas we saw the not-as-new Cirque de Soleil show Beatles LOVE which was my favourite Cirque show ever, from its death-defying acrobatics to it reworking of the Beatles songs, to its amazing staging and costumes. A must-see. And here in Edmonton, I laughed my ass off when we saw Joan Rivers live. A truly hysterical comedian.

What have I missed? What were your favourites of the year?

The Worst Pop Crap Of The Year...

As 2011 winds down, I am working away on my third annual Year's Best post... and by "working away" I mean eating licorice allsorts while watching Big Bang Theory marathons.

The collateral damage of this task is having to revisit the bottom-dwelling worst crap of the year. Okay writing this review is actually cheezy fun. Living through this stuff at the time, not so much...

TV - New
Pan AM: the premiere was gorgeous if undone by clunky story and acting, and it got worse... where's the glamour? the mystery? the suspense? Hey ABC, this was the replacement for Brothers & Sisters? Look at that show in its prime. then pack up your little blue stewardess bags and go home.
Dishonourable mention for the crappy runner up: the wooden Charlie's Angels reboot.

TV - Returning
Desperate Housewives - geez, I used to love this witty soap, now I don't even watch it.
Runner Up - Nancy Grace. Dancing With The Stars. Wardrobe Malfunction.

TV - Daytime
Anderson - CNN's cool geeky host Anderson Cooper goes daytime, hoping to be the next Oprah or Phil Donahue and produces a cheezy show that is Maury Povich at best. Booking Snooki in week one set the tone. Dressing up as icon Phil Donahue for Halloween just showed how big the gap between them is...

Music
This was an unremarkable year in music, so nothing really memorable on the terrible front. That being said, I was disappointed with Jann Arden's sleepy Uncover Me 2, the follow-up to her amazing first covers album, and by Beyonce'e latest, 4, especially the lame single Run the World (Girls) which rehashes everything she has done before.
Dishonourable mention: the horrible song by will.i.am featuring Jennifer Lopez and Mick Jagger – T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever)... I thought the radio was mashing up random sounds when I first heard it. Ugh.

Books
Malled - whiny reporter works retail and lives to whine about it.
Runner-Up: that Kardashian book. And no I didn't read it. I did browse through it at the bookstore. And I think I threw up a little inside my mouth.


Movies
The Green Hornet: forget the high profile Ryan Reynolds flop The Green Lantern from this summer, earlier in the year we had a miscast Seth Rogan opposite a bored looking Cameron Diaz in this insultingly shallow comic adventure that was neither funny nor adventurous.
Runner-Up: Oscar winner Ron Howard's The Dilemma with Vince Vaughan; putting aside its gay joke and mini-controversy, this supposed comedy drama failed on both counts as it spent two hours with unlikeable rich white folk whining about their lives.
Disclaimer -- I did not see Madonna's W.E., which we all know is bound to end up on lists like this...


Stage
We had fast trips to New York and to Vegas and saw shows in both, and much as I am a Cirque de Soleil fanatic, they struck out with their latest Viva Elvis; sure the dancing and production were top notch, but the story and narration were wonky and there was nothing Cirque about it... feels like cashing in on their amazing Beatles LOVE show.

Pop Culture Phenom
Everything Kardashian has gone on too long, too vapid, and is way too wide spread... reality TV shows, endorsements, marriage, divorce, books, magazine covers, clothing lines, sweatshops, commercials, fragrances, twitter, Dancing With The Stars, plastic surgery overload... everything Kardashian is everywhere. Make it stop! And oh yeah, I blame Ryan Seacrest. They should all just go away...

Happy Happy Holidays...

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, all of these holidays, none of them, or something else, Happy Holidays to you, and thanks for reading alfred lives here!

Why Dolly? Because it's an awesome picture (check out the monogrammed sleigh, and 80s makeup!), and I love her...

Crude but so funny...

Happy Holidays!

80s Musical Orgasm...

"This place is about to become a sea of sweat, ear-shattering music, and puke..."

My love for all things 80s, from Dynasty to When Harry Met Sally..., is well documented on this blog. Most of all, my extreme geek love for 80s music is huge, from Pat Benatar to Boston to Toni Basil's Mickey to Olivia's Physical. I loooove 80s music.

I more than loved the Broadway musical Rock of Ages which takes a corny Don't Stop Believin' story of smalltown girl coming to the big city, and rocks it out with 80s hits like Can't Fight This Feeling, Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Harden My Heart, Every Rose Has Its Thorn, and I Want To Know What Love Is. It's cheesy brilliant fun. I sing along to the soundtrack in my car. A lot.

The film version is coming soon, with Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Mary J Blige, Tom Cruise, and Catherine Zeta-Jones. It's directed by Adam Shankman, the annoying judge on So You Think You Can Dance, who did a really find job with the film version of Hairspray. Here's the first trailer.... see you at the movies!

On Being A Bad Jew At Hanukkah...

Tonight is the beginning of the Jewish celebration of Hanukkah. Here's my Hanukkah post from 2009, the first year of this blog. This post has remained one of my most popular.

What's changed since 2009? Hanukkah moves around, and begins tonight rather than over the weekend, and the boyfriend I refer to is now my husband. What's the same? I still don't have those damn candles...


So apparently Hanukkah begins this weekend. I say "apparently" because if it wasn't printed on my calendar at work, or my non-Jewish boyfriend hadn't emailed me with the start date, the whole thing might have slipped by me.

What is Hanukkah? It is the Festival of Lights, an eight-day celebration commemorating the rededicating of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabee revolt in the 2nd century BC. According to the Talmud, there was only enough oil to burn the eternal flame for one day, and yet it lasted eight days, the exact time it took to prepare more oil.

Why am I a bad Jew? Well, I had to google what Hanukkah is to have the info above. Oh, and I don't celebrate the holidays. Or eat kosher. Or go to synagogue. Or follow any of the 613 mitzvot (commandments). And I like boys. And not Jewish ones.

Truth is, Jews have lots and lots of holidays, and Hanukkah isn't really one of the major ones; it's more of a kids holiday, and has over time morphed into a pseudo-Christmas substitute. Not that I observe any of the others either.



Some people are traditionalist and follow the letter and spirit of religious holidays. Others treat the rules more like a buffet where they pick and choose what they want. I just don't really participate. I was raised essentially as a high holiday Jew, and I guess am still a cultural Jew, though basically agnostic --- you embrace whichever set of beliefs fits you, I haven't found something that fits me.

I celebrated Hanukkah with my family when I was growing up, which we did as a gift-giving and family feasting holiday rather than a religious one, and since then have often celebrated Christmas with friends, and was at first surprised by the lack of religion in the gatherings. I did not have a menorah (the nine-branch Hanukkah candelabra) until K bought me one last year.

This is a great time of year; I believe holidays are about friends and family, and I have those. Time together, lots of food, exchanging a few gifts with those you love, spoiling the canine kids --- it's all good to me. And yes the rituals are enticing; we have both a Christmas tree and a Menorah... damn, totally forgot, I gotta buy candles in the next 17 hours!

Funny Fake Michael Buble Duets....

This weekend's Saturday Night Live was the best episode this season, hosted by my secret boyfriend Jimmy Fallon.

While there were lots of highlights, from Fallon's charming musical opening to the Jude Law surprise appearance ("Hello Judy Blume!") to the Weekend Update Joke-Off With Fallon, Seth Meyers (secret boyfriend #2), Tina Fey, and Amy Poehler, this Michael Buble bit was the best of the night.

In this commercial for the nonexistent album Christmas Duets, musical guest Michael Buble riffed with Fallon and the SNL cast for the fake follow-up to his real Christmas album. The Kanye West is hysterical, and Bieber is an instant classic....

Early Holiday Cards...

Happy Holidays!

Toronto Sissies and Bitchies....

In this weekend's National Post, Canada's national right wing newspaper, hateful columnist Christie Blatchford manages to offend me and thousands of others yet again, this time with a column title "Toronto, City of Sissies" where she bemoans how effeminate men have become, She says modern men need toughening up, a theme apparently promoted by seeing boys hug each other hello... rather than what? spit? bump fists? fire guns? Tell me again, how is hugging bad?:

Toronto likes its men delicate, slender and arch, not sportif unless le sport in question is maybe badminton, and if those little boys I saw on Yonge Street are any indication, Toronto is even now about to achieve perfection in this coming generation.

Do not mistake this as a plea for head-banging in sport, a defence of bullies, or a veiled anti-gay message. I have no particular fondness for gratuitous roughness in games, no time for bullies at all, and as a downtowner, I live surrounded by gay men, who, like most women, I adore as a group.

But holy smokes, I am wearying of the male as delicate creature. I am wearying of men who are so frequently in touch with their feminine side they, not to mention me, have lost sight of the masculine one. I’m just plain sick of hugs, giving and getting, from just about anyone, but particularly man-to-man hugs.

And the novelty of being the toughest guy in the room – and by this I mean me – is getting really old.

In aid of all that, let me offer a few reminders of the way it was once upon a time and really always should be.

Really? Back to the past? When men were men, women were chattel, gays were closeted, and bullying was not talked about? When the only newspaper column women had a hope of writing was housekeeping or dating advice? What about evolution, you moron?

I know men have feelings too. I just don’t need to know much more than that. On any list of The 25 Things Every Man And Boy Should Know How To Do, hugging is not one of them. Killing bugs is. Whacking bullies is. Kissing is. Farting on cue is. Making the sound of a train in a tunnel is. Shooting a puck is. Hugging is not. Feel free to give this to your male children. You’re entirely welcome.

Men have feelings too? So compassionate! After a rant in favour of Toronto's anti-library mayor Rob Ford, she writes "In Toronto, actual education routinely takes a back seat to anti-bullying messages, gay-positive education, recognition assemblies and social justice."

Yes people, this nationally known columnist is anti-hugging, and chooses to use her public platform to bemoan men who are caring rather than macho jerks. Hello 1956!

Geez, good thing this week had no bullying or hate crime or economic issues to write about. Hey Christie, Fox News calling on line 2...

What the hell is Facebook trying to tell me?

Like many of you, I have regularly visit "the facebook"... (uh, catch up and see The Social Network if you don't get the reference).

So aside from endless vacation pictures, status updates from my friends, Huffington Post news blips, and quizzes to determine which Golden Girl I am, there are lots of ads the screen which I pretty much ignore.

Facebook tailors the ads to you, based on your profile and friends and location and other secret voodoo stuff. So if the ads I see are tailored to me, what the hell is Facebook trying to tell me?


Here are the ads targeted to me recently:

Call of Duty MW3: a violent video game... uh, why? I don't like violence or video games.

Up99.3 100% Christmas Music: this is an Edmonton Radio station I have stopped listening to precisely because they are entirely Christmas music, since early November, so too much and too early. Spent all the advertising dollars you want, Up Radio, you are dead to me.

Cheesleeve: a cheese storage sleeve with a built-in grater... why does this exist? And why is the ad tailored to me?

Jann Arden live in concert: Yes love her. I have seen her in concert and have tickets to see her again in February. Good call, Facebook.

NetFlix Free Trial: okay, this one makes sense to me, as I love movies and spend lots of time online.

Edmonton Groupon: I didn't know Groupon was here in town, and aren't they totally discredited by now? There has been lots of bad press I have been ignoring... are they relevant anymore?

Win Men's Underwear from dailyjocks.com: But I don't wear underwear... uh, kidding. I am guessing this goes to every gay guy to promote a shirtless guys website. Or maybe it is just me. Do I need new underwear, Facebook? How closely are you watching me...?

Criminal Record Pardons: Why, what have you heard...?

Canadian Pardon Deadline: um, I sense a theme here.....

Love Kylie Minogue? Yes. Yes I do. Cuz I'm gay. Actually an ad for a radio station in London.

You Never Outgrow Toys: Good headline copywriters! And okay I clicked through to see what this was... electronics? Lego? Sex toys? Nah... It's wireless phones, totally disappointing.

Ford Focus: uh, no.

Free Red Hot Super Slots: Really, free? What's the business plan for that?

#1 Slots for Men: Presumably another gambling site. But sounds really dirty...

Wheel of Fortune Slots: uh, hello, gamblers anonymous...

Criminal pardons, gambling, Kylie, Christmas music and a totally weird cheese sleeve gadget.... So... What the hell are you trying to tell me Facebook?

Joan Rivers live live live!

Tonight the hubby and I are seeing Joan Rivers live here in Edmonton. Very exciting, I am a huge fan -- she is bold, honest, and funny as hell. I simply choose to ignore the gargantuan over-sized feather-covered bedazzled neon blue cuff watches and anything else branded as "The Joan Rivers Collection"...

I saw Joan (yep, we are on a first name basis) about 20 years ago in Toronto with my friend Kathryn, and spent 90 minutes sitting there laughing hysterically seriously thinking I was going to pee myself. At that time her incredibly crude hysterical riffs were on Jodie Foster, Whitney Houston, and Katherine Hepburn... can't wait to see what she says now!

Here are some fave Joan Rivers quotes....

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor...

12 Things I Learned From Dizzy Spells & Nausea...

I was sick last week... really sick... pray-for-death, lord-take-me-now sick. It started with dizzy spells and sweating overload, then hot flashes, cold flashes, night sweats, sore throat, pounding headache, stomach pains, explosions all over the place. I came home from work early, and spent the next two days in bed suffering and wondering why I was the worse off person in the world. Oh, and I was delusional too.

Although my illness lasted only three days, it felt endless, certainly longer than a Kardashian marriage. My first day I was dead to the world, by day two I was closer to human and semi-conscious (aka able to watch TV). Drugs and sleep led to me feeling human again. And in the meantime, I learned stuff while writhing around in my warm cuddly red sheets...

1. Snow is very pretty from behind glass, when you don't have to walk in it, drive in it, scoop poop in it, or shovel it.

2. Daytime TV is fun for one hour a day. Daytime TV is unbearable for 10 hours a day. The Talk is better than The View. Anderson Cooper's show sucks. And there are too many hosts on The Chew; the show confuses me. Is it a cooking show? A talk show? A healthy cooking show? Bacon porn? Decide!

3. Someone used to say "I'm just one good bout of diarrhea away from my goal weight". Not true.

4. The Shopping Channel sells $500 handbags... I thought they sold cheap crap, not expensive crap. Clearly I was uninformed.

5. No matter how hideously ugly and gross you might get when you are sick your dog still loves you.

6. Lemon tea is not a good chaser for that pink upset stomach stuff.

7. Eating no solid food for 48 hours makes you crave popcorn.

8. Our dogs sleep a lot.

9. There just isn't enough news to make CNN interesting all day.

10. Judge Judy might be an alien... seriously, that woman just does not age... it is super creepy. Oh, and she is completely insane.

11. Rachael Ray is awesome.

12. Best cure for the deathly hallows? 40 hours of sleep within 48 hours. And that medication that says to take every 4 to 6 hours? Every 90 minutes really does the trick...

Too far... or too gay?

Gay online dating site Manhunt has launched its new uncensored mobile site and it sounds like the billboard announcing the site is getting a lot of people in a tizzy.

The billboard (above) is provoking lots of reaction saying it is too explicit, too racy, too gay, too something. Is it? Sure it's sexy and shows skin, but less skin that you can see on TV or the beach or even http://www.saks.com/; would the reaction be the same if it were a guy and a girl?

As quoted on wickedgayblog.com, here is the reaction from Manhunt: We received dozens of complaints about the campaign here at Manhunt HQ in Boston, as did our ad agency, Lamar Advertising. Citizens were reportedly concerned about children being able to view our billboards. One annoyed parent even wrote an online op-ed piece last week claiming that her complaints got our ads taken down (actually, our LA campaign expired as scheduled on 11/20/11).

Manhunt billboards follow the alcohol advertising guidelines, so they are not placed within 500 feet of schools, churches, playgrounds, etc.

Bottom line... would this be different if it were hot shirtless guy kissing hot girl in bikini? Sure some would object but not many... so settle down people, it's just shirtless two dudes embracing.

Not convinced? Here is an ad for Michael Kors underwear. I saw it in a mall, and is also being used for billboards. I haven't seen an online furor over this one even though it's sexy, it's provative, and uh isn't that her hand down his pants...?