March 1, 2012

Hey Canada, Here Comes The Bachelor...

Here in Canada we look south of the border for our biggest pop culture influences --- from Dallas to Glee to Star Wars, your pop culture is our pop culture.

We occasionally have a homegrown hit never seen south of the border, like the clever Corner Gas and unfunny Little Mosque on the Prairie.

And then there are the stars we export south, like Justin Beiber. You're welcome.

Lately, with the surge in reality shows, no only have we been importing your Kardashian crap, we have been creating our own versions, like Canada's Got Talent and Canada's Next Top Model.

And coming soon... The Bachelor Canada! I actually thought this was a Saturday Night Live comedy video when I saw the commercial, then realized it wasn't Saturday and it wasn't live and this silliness was real.

The commercial I saw was advertising for bimbos -- uh, single eligible young ladies -- to appear on the show. So I of course headed right over to the application website, as any married gay guy would naturally do.

What did I find? The Bachelor Canada insists that applicants be unattached in this televised pursuit of love. If you’ve been in a relationship longer than two months or are roommates engaging in a “friends with benefits” type of relationship, then you’re not eligible. You must be at least 19, a Canadian citizen or a permanent resident, never been convicted of a felony or run for political office, which you also can’t do for up to a year after the broadcast. Prospective bachelorettes must also agree to a background check and be willing to take part in risky endeavours such as skydiving, and release the show from legal recourse should something bad happen, like you die jumping from the plane. Or end up looking drunk stupid and slutty on TV in front of everyone you've ever met.

The application asks for a photo and video, and includes questions such as how would your friends describe you, what are your most important goals in life, what are your guilty pleasures, what is the best piece of advice you've ever gotten, and what do you look for in a man. I am guessing the answer to that last one is "over-whitened teeth and a TV show".

Why is The Bachelor still on the air? The message of the show is terrible. We're being told that women should be desperately auditioning for a man to marry, and that women are complete and utter nutjobs. Although this only applies to white women, as people of colour rarely get cast. Unless that colour is spray tan orange.

Judging by the commercials, Bachelor contestants are vicious to each other, Bachelor love is totally fake, and Bachelor women drink so much they should be giving out those roses at an AA meeting.

Why is this show coming to Canada? And are they gonna change the Bachelor catchphrase to "Will you accept this Maple Leaf?"

And shortly after we experience The Bachelor Canada, stay tuned because The Real Housewives of Vancouver is coming to a TV near me.... yes, really. Kill me now.


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