300 TV channels and can't find a damn thing to watch...

As Alfie and I have just moved in with K and Quinn, we agreed to upgrade the cable TV package, and holy hell we got a lot of stuff -- all the US and Cdn network channels, BBC, artsy stuff, cartoon stuff, music stuff, tons of home shows, some shopping crap, endless repeats of Go Diego Go, all the news channels yes even including Fox (I swear did not know that was coming), time shifting, videos on demand, blah, blah, blah.

So it is now primetime and I am in the basement with one dog snoozing beside me and the other snoozing on the floor impersonating a very small bearskin rug, and I am flicking channels... and channels... and channels... the luxury of so many choices... WHY THE HELL IS THERE NOTHING TO WATCH?

I saw the new episode of Bones -- one of my favourite shows -- earlier due to the timeshift thing (mmm... gadget!). I don't like Survivor. The news shows are all about Sandra Bullock (really, people, just leave her alone). Nobody should watch The Ghost Whisperer. I do not need to order ProActive skincare. And apparently According to Jim and The Office are on three dozen times a day.

And now as I surf the listings to find something to watch, I discover a whole bunch of quality shows that I truly did not know existed: Sixteen and Pregnant (ick), I Didn't Know I was Pregnant (how the hell?), Poker after Dark, CatDog, Ten Grand In Your Hand, Spooks, and America's Dumbest Criminals (why do they get a show?). Nothing to watch, nothing to watch...

I am just gonna wait for George Snuffleupagus to come on CBC, he apparently has the Courtyard Hounds (ie two of the Dixie Chicks) on. And yes I do have the remedy... clearly we need more channels!

Gotta love... Kelly Ripa!

We work, live, and play with some of the best and brightest gay and lesbian people... people I'm honored to call my friends and family.

So we've never gone, "What would we do?" To us, our children are a gift, we're lucky to have them, and they're born how they're born, so it wouldn't even be a discussion in our house.

- Kelly Rippa

My favourite news story so far this year...

According to the Wheels section of The New York Times, British police pulled over and arrested a former royal Air Force aeronautical engineer for driving drunk...

...for driving an effing BARBIE CAR drunk!

The car was an electric car designed for toddlers to scoot around their parents' living room, and this dumbass jacked it up and took it out for a spin. After a couple of shots, apparently.

The guy failed a breathalyzer test, a test he has apparently failed before, and now has had his license suspended for three years.

Hey, I know it's totally wrong, but it makes me laugh soooooo much!

Read about it @
http://wheels.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/19/man-convicted-for-driving-drunk-in-barbie-car/

Happy Birthday Little Dude...

The little guy is three years old today...

Happy Birthday to the cutest pampered pooch ever!

Loves toys and treats, running off-leash, peanut butter and Greenies, cuddling in the basement, chewing everything, being driven back and forth to daycare, playing with his step-brother Quinn, dangerously barking at big dogs and running away.

Scared of vacuums and large dogs who he has totally provoked...

Cutest dog ever!

Archie, Jughead, Betty, Veronica... and the gay guy...

What kind of guy would turn down Veronica? Well, besides her decades-old teenage love, wimpy slutty Archie? That would be the new guy on the comic block, Kevin Keller, the first out gay character in Riverdale.

How totally awesome is that?

Kevin will be introduced this fall, in a Veronica comic book (hey, when did she get her own series). He is the new handsome guy who defeats Jughead in a burger eating contest, which sets Veronica in hot pursuit. Interesting turn-on, Miss Veronica. And maybe too much information.

So yes, boys and girls, it's true, we are everywhere, including in your local comic shop.

I even like how this was done - the company very proudly announced it on their website @ http://www.archiecomics.com/, and then it was covered everywhere - I saw it on CNN this morning. Amazing!

Happy Earth Day...

Reduce...

Reuse...

Recycle...

Replenish...

Restore...

Happy Earth Day 2010!

Really Really Really Bad Advice On Men...

For your reading pleasure and our collective ongoing education, here are pearls of wisdom from the April 2010 issue of Cosmopolitan magazine:

Reader question: "I had a great date, but the guy said he doesn't want kids. Should I tell him that's unacceptable?"

Cosmo answer: "Um -no. Just move on. But do you really want to ignore potential due to an offhand comment?"

WTF?

To the loser reader --- UNACCEPTABLE? Interesting choice of words. Maybe something like "hey, we don't want the same things out of life, should I bring it up this early, or simply accept that he's not the one for me?" But 'unacceptable', your highness?

To the losers at Cosmo --- "just move on" and "an offhand comment"? So the official expert Cosmopolitan Magazine advice is, uh, don't talk about it and dump the guy with no communication, or dismiss this man's life choice as 'an offhand comment' because his stance disagrees with yours." Experts my ass.

Now granted while I am not the target audience for Cosmo, I am under the impression that women, especially young women, take the word of the great Cosmopolitan seriously. And apparently that advice is: do not communicate, do not take his wishes seriously, and if the guy's views aren't the same as yours then it is ok to dismiss them and assume he will come around to your way of thinking. That is just fucked up.

So in summary --- Cosmo is not informed advice. Cosmo is crap.

So I was allegedly driving a tad too fast...

I got a lovely piece of mail from the city of Edmonton: a grainy night time photo of my car, a few pages full of tiny little fine print with the outrageous accusation that I was exceeding the speed limit, and the heartfelt choice of pleading guilty and paying 120 bucks, or appearing in court on Monday June 14th.

Aaaaaargh!

So... allegedly... on March 25th, when I was driving home from the airport at 11.49 PM I was going a touch above the speed limit. Allegedly... a touch above...

I was tired, it was late, it was snowing, I was the only car on the damn highway, and hey what proof do they have anyway, besides, oh yeah, that grainy murky photo the quality of a Paris Hilton sex tape. The dog ate my homework, the butler did it, it wasn't me!

Despite what same naysayers might think, I am an incredibly safe and cautious driver. I have had like one previous ticket in seven years here, and I think that was for parking illegally. Which I totally did.

My best friend actually thinks I am a too safe and boring driver. Of course that is the same best friend who banged up my car while I was on vacation. My fiance thinks I am a reckless speeder and was smirking joyfully -- even gleefully -- as he handed me the envelope with the ticket.

How fast was I going? Barely above the limit. Allegedly 69 km in a 50 zone. Couldn't be me. And by the way, that was also not me rushing the other way on that same highway this morning, heading towards lunch in Red Deer. We were late. I had to pee. And it wasn't me, I wasn't speeding...

Allegedly...

And it is a total coincidence that my car is silent and fast and turbo-charged.

So yes even though I think the evidence is totally wrong and I am totally innocent, I am gonna pay the fine online and get it over with. Then I guess I gotta stop saying allegedly... as of June 13th, that is....

Gotta love JLo!

Jennifer Lopez, quoted in The Advocate, on if her kids turned out gay:

"Honestly, it wouldn't bother me at all. I wouldn't be shocked or anything. (Husband) Marc even once asked me, What if one of the babies is gay? I said, Who cares? And he was like Yeah, I know, who cares? You just love your kids and want them to be happy."

Nicely put... Jenny from the Block!

In Support, with Silence...

Were you wondering what it would take to shut me up?

There will be no posts on this blog tomorrow, Friday April 16, in support of the USA's National Day of Silence aimed at preventing anti-GLBT harassment and bullying in schools.

For more info, go to http://wickedgayblog.blogspot.com, or look for the facebook group Gay Bloggers United in Silence.

I will be back over the weekend to spew my opinions into cyberspace....

If Jesus returned as Glenn Beck...

I'll take an extra large fries with that disgusting monstrosity, please...

All hail KFC, as their fast food gurus have done the seemingly impossible... they have made fast food more bad for you, more messy, more heart attack inducing, and yes, more gross. Ick.

This week they introduced the Double Down, a heap ("breadless sandwich") of bacon, cheese, salt and gooey sauce stuffed between two slabs of fried chicken. So, let me get this right -- no bread, just two servings of fried chicken, clumped together with bacon, cheap gooey cheese, sodium and mystery sauce. My heart is fading just thinking about it. How do you eat this? How many Weight Watchers points is that damn thing?

According the The Globe and Mail online, this is a new high, or low, in the fast food wars, as it is the first menu offering to outdo Wendy's The Baconator. Man, am I behind the times ---- what the hell is a Baconator? Is it a burger the size of Schwarzenegger with bacon and Swiss cheese? And can I get onion rings with that?

It seems like just a couple of years ago that the Burger King's and McDonald's of the world were rushing to get on the healthy wrap, fat-free, salad bar bandwagon. So are those days over, and we are now living in a high carb, high fat, mystery cheese dripping, supersized, deep-fried world? Good thing we don't have any obesity issues in the western world...

I have no problem with KFC doing this -- they are a business, it is a free market, and this will succeed or fail based on its sales. Still, I am curious to see what their healthy offerings are. Is there a Subway beside them in each location?

If this damn thing takes off, it may be enough to bring down Obama's universal health care before it gets started.

The DD is not here in Canada yet. Is that good or bad?

Plastic surgery, good and bad...

Tupperware is such a drag...

While watching the gay travel show Bump, and its feature story on an Atlantis cruise to Greece, I discovered a six-foot tall redhead who may be the coolest Tupperware lady ever --- and yes folks the label "lady" is a state of mind here...

Pictured above is Dixie Longate. whose story is that after three marriages and on the advice of her parole officer, she left her kids behind in the trailer park in Alabama to sell that "fantastic plastic crap" which she says at first she didn't know was for the kitchen. And holy geez she has since become Tupperware's number two sales person (really?).

Dixie is seriously entertaining. Think Dame Edna, gayer. And from the deep south, fresh from the trailer park and and fresh from the prison, with a martini in one hand and a beer in the other, loudly calling everyone she meets a hooker. Pretty cool update of the Tupperware organization, huh?

Ms. Dixie now not only sells Tupperware, she tours her tupperware parties as an interactive (drag) show. You can check her out @ http://www.dixiestupperwareparty.com/. Here's hoping the party comes to my town...

Jew or Not Jew, that is the question...

So there I was, wisely investing (wasting) my time on the internet, and lo and behold, I stumbled across one of the eight billion stories about Sandra Bullock and her douchebag cheating husband.

What was different about this story? It referred to Sandra Bullock as Jewish, which had never occurred to me. As I was raised Jewish, it is always curious to see who is Jewish or who isn't. Not sure why, just is...

So I googled "Is Sandra Bullock Jewish" and it took me to this site...

Yep, there is a website exclusively devoted to this burning question. At http://www.jewornotjew.com/, you type in someone's name and then you get their rating on what is, for lack of a better label, a Jew-o-meter.

The site assigns actors, models, politicians, etc, a Jew Score. And yep that is what they call it, bring on the matzo ball soup and karnatzel.

They assign the Jew score based on three factors: how Jewish the person is internally (birth family etc), how Jewish the person is are externally (how you act), and how much the Jew or Not Jew people want the person to be Jewish in the first place (sucks to be you, Mel Gibson).

I don't have a Jew score, though would probably be like a 10? Though was born Jewish, and have the culture and mannerism bit down, I don't practice, don't go to synagogue, don't keep kosher, happily accept gifts on all major holidays, marrying a non-Jewish guy, who is yep a guy...

Pamela Anderson and Sarah Palin each scored 2 (so not Jews...); and Mel Brooks and Anne Frank scored 15 (Super Jews!). Boy George is a 4. Prince is 4. Madonna is 7. Frank Gehry is a 13.

At the extreme Jew level, other scores of 15: Steven Spielberg, Albert Einsten, The Marx Brothers, a few others.

There are only three people at the extreme non-Jew level with scores of zero: Joseph Stalin, Mel Gibson, and Hitler. Uh-huh...

And no, Sandra Bullock is not Jewish. She scores a 6, though is apparently the most asked about actress on the site. So apparently just because you read it online doesn't mean it is true... who knew?

Eat Pray Love Gay Marriage

"Instead of trying to 'save' the institution of marriage by excluding gay couples from matrimony, maybe it's smarter to rescue marriage by letting same-sex couples move in and gentrify the place. It's a cute argument, but it has a strong historic resonance --- every few generations, marriage opens its doors a little wider and lets in a new population who had previously been excluded, and that breathes new life into the whole institution."

- Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love and Committed

A terrific cause to give a damn about...

Last week I came across a really cool website that promotes a really great cause, and for the icing on the big gay cake, there is Cyndi Lauper all over the damn place...

The site is http://www.wegiveadamn.org/ and it is essentially a movement for equality for gay people, run and promoted by straight people, who yes, give a damn. Fronted by 80s pop goddess Cyndi Lauper, the site got a tsunami of media attention last week with a video it launched featuring celebrities such as Whoopi Goldberg, Elton John, and Jason Mraz, and in which Oscar-winning actress Anna Paquin came out as bisexual (first Ricky Martin then Anna Paquin, is everybody coming out....?)

A long-time promoter of gay rights, Lauper, best known for Girls Just Want to Have Fun and True Colors, is awesome; I saw her in concert several years ago, when she was opening for Cher --- how gay gay gay a concert is that? Okay back on topic... Lauper started the True Colors Fund which was an impetus for We Give a Damn, as it encourages and inspires everyone to support the equality movement.

Wegiveadamn.org takes it further, with education and information ("damn issues") on marriage, discrimination, immigration, faith and more. Lauper is our virtual host, and in addition to the damn issues, the site has damn videos, damn stuff, personal stories, and a damn blog...

I learned stuff and enjoyed the time I spent on wegiveadamn.org. Check it out!

Yep, I cut up my shiny new Visa card...

Yep, I did it, before a single charge went through... I chopped up my shiny new Visa card. Holy crap --- think off all those points I will miss out on.

Don't be impressed --- this was not a deep spiritual anti-materialistic political statement, I will have a shiny new MasterCard from another bank soon. This is about lousy customer service and the douchebags who give it...

My card was about to expire, so I got the new replacement card in the mail. Actually I got the letter beforehand telling me the new card was coming and would feature shiny new chip technology, then I got the card, then in mailing number three I got the PIN (the new cards feature a secret number like a bank card in place of a signature, so are more secure).

After I got the third mailing and all those trees had died, I call to authorize the card, and voila, good to go shopping!

The next day I am using the card to pay for my sub sandwich at lunch (I charge everything), and it is declined. I double check the PIN, have someone else check it as well, try the card somewhere else... declined. WTF?

I go to the closest branch of the issuing bank to try at their machine, and there are literally 18 people in line and one machine working, so I leave.

I call their 1-800 number, and after listening to really bad hold music for a really long time, was told by dweeb number one that I must have done something wrong, there is nothing they can do to help, and oh by the way I had not authorized the card correctly............. WTF?

I ask to speak to a manager, get dweeb number two (dwebette?), who tells me that I did something wrong, there is nothing she can do other than suggest I go to the branch again, or she can send me a new PIN by snail mail that will take up to ten business days, during which of course I cannot use my card, and Hey Mr whiny client, get the fuck off the phone now you are wasting my valuable time. Okay she didn't really say that last part, though it sure sounded like that with her tone. And you are a manager in the customer service area?

So I ask what she is prepared to do to fix this, am told to fuck off (again, not literally), then there is nothing left to say and the call ends.

And now I have a shiny sleek new credit card and no way to use it. Which may be good in terms of fiscal responsibility, but is no damn fun.

Still not satisfied... What to do next? I steam for a bit, then send off an email to the bank's customer service area. It is polite and firm. I get an autoreply thanking me for my email and telling me I will hear from a customer service agent within two business days, which is sometime next week.

Okay still no satisfaction.... so I cut the damn card up. It sure felt good. And yes though I know it didn't really change anything, it suuure felt good...

Gotta love Rita Rudner, part four

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner