Mae West on the gays...

"I believe that one day the world will judge the witch hunt against homosexuals just as harshly as it judges the Spanish Inquisition and the Holocaust."

- Mae West

Stupid things that annoy the crap out of me, chapter seven...

Some days my life is happy and swell and warm wonderful, when you expect little Disneyesque animated birds to appear and start singing.

However, more often people annoy the crap out of me:

1- Touchy feely flight attendants. Warm is one thing, intrusive another. Go away.

2- Movie previews that show the whole damn movie, including all the funny parts. That is you, Jennifer Lopez's baby comedy The Back-Up Plan.

3- Drunk dinner party guests who insist on more wine. And belch at the table. And nap. It is awkward and inappropriate and, well, fun to watch on TV. See Dinner Party Wars.

4- Old people who slowly dig for exact change at the checkout.

5- Traffic circles.

6- People who stand too close to me in line for the ATM machine.

7- The genius who decides package quantities are 8 hot dog buns, 12 hot dogs.

8- TV critics who think they know better (hello and goodbye Lone Star...)

9- When cable craps out mid-show on something I want to see, like last night's Britney episode of Glee. You can deliver 800 channels of crap, Survivor, Fox news, and porn, but this you cannot do? And yes, the Britney episode of Glee..

We forgive you Katherine Heigl...

Sure, the Emmy-winning actress has done some good stuff, such as her early work on Grey's Anatomy, and her defence of gay pal TR Knight, but she has also done some boneheaded stuff.

Like what, you ask? Like her ungraceful exit from Grey's, a bunch of crappy movies, and her whiny poor poor me stuff, like talk show complaining about the long work days on the series that paid her millions, yes millions of dollars a year, and trashing Knocked Up, the movie that made her a movie star.

Now, we forgive you for your stupid ass stuff. Not cuz you're talented, which you are, but because you just did something really good for the world.

While other celebs are tweeting about their bikini waxes and campaigning to get on Dancing With the Stars, you Katherine Heigl just pledged a cool $1 million to animal shelters, in memory of your late brother.

Classy move. Whining forgiven. Now get back to work and make a decent movie.

What would Madonna say?

From one of my fave blogs, http://joemygod.blogspot.com

Desperate Housewives Alert... It's Vanessa Williams Day!

To celebrate the return tonight of Desperate Housewives, and the addition of Emmy and Tony nominee Vanessa Williams as the new housewife, here are some fave Ms Williams words:

On gay marriage:
I completely support it. I have many gay friends that are married. Close male friends of mine have been living together as a couple for over 20 years, and they have adopted a beautiful baby girl who is now 3 years old. They are fantastic parents.

My kids have been surrounded by gay people their own lives. They are so loving and welcoming, they don't even question it.

Success is the sweetest revenge.

Look out ladies, there is a new housewife in town!

And in case you're wondering why I am so excited over the return of Desperate Housewives? Yep, really am that gay...

Gemini am I... or is that we...

Do you follow or care about your zodiac sign? While of course I am aware of “what sign I am” –-- ugh, let’s all wince at the cheesy Hefner-esque 70’s pick up line reference -- I don’t think of it much. Is not something I believe in or focus on, I am way too literal and empirical for that. Or is that non-believing?

I ignore your email for days, then I stalk you. What can I say? Gemini. I have a coworker who makes an are you effing kidding me face every time I say something like “I have two opinions on that” because I pretty much always do.

So while this was top of mind, I did what everyone would do. I googled. This is from http://www.astrologyonline.com/. I have edited it down becuz was really long, and I am easily bored. Apparently this is a Gemini trait.

Gemini, the sign of the Twins, is dual-natured, elusive, complex and contradictory. On the one hand it produces the virtue of versatility, and on the other the vices of two-facedness and flightiness… When they are good, they are very attractive; when they are bad they are more the worse for being the charmers they are. Like children they are lively, and happy, if circumstances are right for them, or egocentric, imaginative and restless. They take up new activities enthusiastically but lack application, constantly needing new interests, flitting from project to project…

Their good qualities are attractive and come easily to them. They are affectionate, courteous, kind, generous, and thoughtful towards the poor and suffering - provided none of the activities resulting from expressing these traits interferes too greatly with their own lives and comforts. They quickly learn to use their outward attractiveness to gain their own ends, and when striving for these they will use any weapon in their armoury - unscrupulous lying, and cunning evasiveness; escaping blame by contriving to put it on other people, wrapped up in all the charm they can turn on... If things go against them, they sulk like children.

Most Gemini have a keen, intuitive, sometimes brilliant intelligence and they love cerebral challenges. Their intellect is strongly analytical and sometimes gives them so great an ability to see both sides of a question that they vacillate and find it hard to make decisions…

So I am smart and flighty, charming and easily bored, egocentric and versatile. Okay there may be some valid points here. And I am an unscrupulous liar and use my incredible good looks (paraphrasing there) to gain what I want. Really? Don’t think so. Oh, and I sulk when I don’t get my way. Yeah that last one may be a tad right. Bastards…

The bride wore red...

After boycotting the show for all of last season --- I object to homophobia and am bored by stories about sex with ghosts --- I stumbled across the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy last night. And it was a great episode.

Best part was Cristina’s proclamation before her wedding to Owen:

"I'm not wearing white. It's sexist, and vaguely racist."

And by the way, do not call them Owenstina. That is just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong…

Meghan McCain on the gays...

"I am a supporter of LGBT rights and am against DADT - I fight every day. Until you are the daughter of a Republican Senator - don't assume what I do and the stances I take are ever easy.

I love my family and I love the gay community. There's a lot of anger being projected at me personally from my father's stance on DADT. I love my father very much and we disagree.

Project your anger at politicians and the president you elected, because the last time I checked - Obama isn't exactly advocating for LGBT rights or removing DADT."

- Meghan McCain makes a good point

Kylie on gay icons...

"Gay icons usually have some tragedy in their lives,

but I've only had tragic haircuts and outfits."

- Pop princess Kylie Minogue

Big Bang star on gay rumours...

Johnny Galecki, of Roseanne and The Big Bang Theory has played gay on Broadway and in films, and been the subject of tabloid gay rumours. His classy response?

"I haven't really addressed those rumours because why defend yourself against something that isn't offensive?"

Awesome answer.

Sun Chips and other stupid things that annoy the crap out of me...

I like Sun Chips - crunchy, tasty, a tad salty in a good way, and at least in my mind healthier than regular potato chips, which are pretty much the nutritional equivalent of sugar-coated chocolate-battered salted deep fried lard.

But those assholes annoy me. Their math is evil. A serving is 50 grams. A bag is 225 grams. So a bag is a nice round easy-to-share 4.25 servings. Makes it easy to do the math about calories and carbs, huh? Couldn't the bag be 200 or 250 grams? Nah, too easy. Hey, you could always count chips - a serving is 26.

Other stuff pissing me off lately...

1- The dude who sat beside me at the Air Canada Maple Leaf Lounge, farting and smiling, farting and smiling, farting and smiling. Doing it with rhythm does not make it ok.

2- Car alarms.

3- People who say "guns don't kill people, people kill people." No jerkwad, guns kill people. Elastic bands don't kill people. Guns do.

4- People who drive waaay below the speed limit. If you want to go that slow, you can effing walk. Pull over, give your keys to someone who knows how to drive, and get marching.

5- SUV's with racing stripes.

6- Melvin Bleckman. I do not know you, so when sites like facebook and mediate.com auto sign me in as you, it annoys me. Not your fault. I still blame you.

7- The short falls of spell check. I intended to send out a group email about french-cuff shirts yesterday, and instead sent out an email about french-cuff shits. Oops.

8- People who talk on their cell phones in public washrooms. Hey buddy in the cubicle beside me, I CAN HEAR YOU! And this week, the jerkwad in the cubicle beside me was taking a conference call from the can. Real classy, buddy, real classy....

Dog s#!t...I scooped it, I googled it...

Last night my handsome stepdog, Quinn, was physically ill. And when I say "physically ill" I am being my usual subtle self --- he pooped soft diarrhea-esque crap all over the kennel and mat.

So I got him outside, scrubbed out the mat and the kennel. And next I did what everyone would do. I googled "dog shit". No particular reason, it just occurred to me as something interesting to do. And yes I tend to obsess. A little...

Here are the top hits:

1- Hot chicks picking up dog shit

2- Dog shit on bed - video

3- Osama dog shit - Bin Laden funny pictures

4- Dog shit - uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

5- You Tube - dog shit

6- Internet vigilantism

7- Dog shit girl (a Korean performer)

8- Economatix

9- Dog shit taco

10- Dogshit in Amsterdam

Okay, so I guess the videos make sense, people upload every crazy damn thing (I blame America's Funniest Home Videos). And Dog Shit Taco is just wrong. So is someone calling herself Dog Shit Girl.

Every dog gets sick. Hell, every person gets sick. Someday my lucky lucky husband may be diapering me. And yes I googled it, and yes I am writing about it. But I have standards...

And, uh, number one, Google people? Hot chicks picking up dog shit? No symbolism or hidden meaning there. I know cuz I clicked through. This is a real site that some twit set up. It is a collection of pictures of attractive smiling women doing you-know-what. For instant anywhere access, you can follow them on twitter.

And I think I waste my time? Clearly I am a friggin Einstein by comparison. Yep, I feel a whole lot better now...

Holy crap... I just won $70,000 in the Irish National Sweepstakes!

Yes, it's true! According to an email I received, I won a lotta cash in the Irish National Sweepstakes! And you know it must be true if it came by email. Forget that I am not Irish, have been to Ireland only briefly several years ago, that I never entered any contest of any kind there, so what? I WON!!!!

I spend a fair bit of time on this here interwebz, and get a lot of email, from touch-bases with friends, to advertising, to alerts and blogs I have subscribed to, to all kinds of weird shit that makes you go HUH?

Over the past few days I have won the Irish lottery, received a Lucrative Business Proposal, been approached by Mendez Adolfo who Needs My Assistance And Trust, gotten a Final Notification!! re my Swiss Lotto Winning, been offered a No Cost Assessment by Melissa something on I don't know the hell what, and been approached by Mr Eaton Wazri who is awaiting my urgent reply concerning the African Development Bank Investment Opportunity.

I won Seven and Hundred and Fifty Great Thousand British Pounds in The Toyota Cash Splash, I won a million pounds in a tobacco promo, a million pounds in the BT promo, and once I hand over my banking info some dude across the world is going to confirm my transfer from the International Monetary Fund. Woo hoo, I am rich!

And once I collect all that real money from those trustworthy sources, I can spend it on email ads for Viagra and assorted prescription drugs, buy an island in the Caribbean, and triple my money in 90 days by investing in a Sudan Investment Fund.

Hey, it all came by email, so it's gotta be true!

There have always been con men and snake oil salesmen, and the new digital age is just a whole new high speed platform for them. So, seriously, people, are you falling for this shit? Really?

If I had a prize to give for best (worst?) whackjob email I received it would go to (drumroll please)... an invitation to The Perfect Ass Dating Community. Yes really. So there are so many perfect asses out there who want to meet other perfect asses to date that they felt under appreciated and compelled to organize? Kinda sweet, no?

Hey, for fun, I just googled these perfect ass guys, and they don't seem to have a really systematic online presence, so I am starting to get suspicious. I don't think it's a real community... Whaaaaaaaaat? This shit isn't real? Holy crap! Lowlife spam bastards...

Judith Light hearts the gays...

"We all have our own closets to come out of."

"To me, celebrity doesn't mean a whole lot unless you're willing to use it. So I wanted to use it in a different way, with my AIDS work, the human rights stuff for the gay and lesbian community and the speaking I do."

"When I became of service to other people I stopped worrying about my weight so much."

Who's the Boss/Ugly Betty actress and activist Judith Light

Golden Girls Alert! I am...

Yep, I did it again... took another one of those damn Facebook multiple choice goofball quizzes... this one was Which Golden Girl Am I... and the answer to that all-important question was not a surprise at all.

I am Dorothy Zbornak.


For those of you not familiar with the characters on The Golden Girls, how the hell did you spend the 80s?

Dorothy, played by Bea Arthur, was according to Wikipedia, the "strong, sarcastic, sometimes intimidating, and arguable most grounded" of the girls. She was smart, blunt, quick-witted, and had no patience for morons. Which is a good thing, as so many people are morons.

The oh so scientific facebook quiz describes Dorothy as "tough as nails and witty as hell... You are an independent soul that stands your ground and lets people know where they can stick it if they do you wrong. Sassy and sarcastic, you keep people on their toes, but everyone always knows where they stand with you."

"I could have been living in a swinging singles condo instead of with... oh, I better not say anyting before my morning cup of coffee... (take a sip) ... a slut and a moron... sorry, I guess it's decaf."

I'll take it! I am Dorothy... except for the mumu's, sandals and shoulder pads, that look so does not work for me!

Never lick a steak knife and other words of wisdom from Dave Barry...

Dave Barry is more than funny. Dave Barry is awesome.

While Dave Barry says he is considered funny strictly because of his copious use of the world "weasel", I think it is much more than that.

Like the funniest of funny people, he is wise. Some of his rules to live by...

1- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

3- Never lick a steak knife.

4- The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

5- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

6- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

7- Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

8- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

9- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

10- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers...

Lesbian Bed Death and other things I learned this week...

Life is all about the learning, folks...

1- The red emergency phone in an elevator is not just for calling in case of an emergency, it will accept calls too. It rang, I answered, and it was a damn marketer asking if I shop at Walmart. I said no and buh-bye. I may have been a tad abrupt...

2- "Lesbian Bed Death" is when two gay women meet, hook up fast, pull up the u-haul and move in fast, and then quickly the heat fades and they morph into best friends.

3- There is a show on MTV called One Girl, Five Gays.

4- Fear of Flying, a book I am now reading, is still shockingly bold and smart and raunchy, 37 years after it was first published.

5- If you want to impress, gross out, and terrify your guests, have them kill the main course (chicken, prawns) themselves. In your living room, on camera. Nope I didn't do it, I saw it on Dinner Party Wars. Ick.

6- Dogs puke without reason or provocation. Okay, I knew that already, I just know it MORE now.

Yep, that's it. Much as I luuuuv top ten lists, just didn't learn that much this week. Hmmm...

My New Year's Resolutions, TV Style...

Forget January 1st, forget Back to School, forget Rosh Hashana. It's the New TV Year! The new TV season begins soon, and this year I am being smarter about the whole damn thing. I will not, NOT, be sucked in by those bastard networks.

Here are my TV New Year Resolutions for Fall 2010:

1- I will not watch Dancing with the Stars. It blows at the best of times, and this year has a Palin and a Hasselhoff as "stars". Kill me now.

2- Brothers and Sisters gets four weeks to redeem themselves after last year's crapfest. Blow it and you are dead to me.

3- No Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Maybe Conan.

4- Vanessa Williams is the new housewife on Desperate Housewives. That is all I need to know, I am there every single week.

5- No lame alleged reality shows. That is you, Top Model Apprentice Survivor Bachelor Bachelorette Bachelor Pad Big Brother Jersey Shore Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

6- No lame comedies just because they are Canadian. That is you, Little Mosque on the Prairie.

7- Yes absolutely to the amazing The Good Wife, who this year gets more drama and a gay brother. Tuesday belongs to you.

8- No to comatose Larry King or the boring Britsh guy who is replacing him, Piers Dulldom.

9- No long-winded slow moving endless serial dramas. Never watched Lost, fell asleep during premiere of Flash Forward. The world isn't fair, you do not get a chance. That is you, The Event.

10- Yes to Jon Stewart. You had me at "Hello, Glenn Beck is a douchebag..."

Joan Rivers is totally quotable...

"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

- Comedy legend and gay icon Joan Rivers

Dear Abby on the gays...

From Abigail Van Buren, the original Dear Abby, in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighbourhood:

"You could move."

"The Girl Who Eats Her Feelings..."

I love fashion, I love people who are bold with their fashion choices, and people who are true to themselves with their fashion choices. It is all good with me.

Okay, now that those explanations and disclaimers are done with, I gotta ask, and I do this with love, people... what the fuck is up with W Magazine this month?

Granted, I read W rarely -- it is not Vogue or In Style or GQ for chrissake --- so I don't know much of what is typically in there. Hopefully this is not typical. If it is, you are idiots.

For their back-to-school fashion feature, the magazine has an article about fashion types. I expected the usual stuff, you know --- preppy, rocker chick, goth, urban rebel, blah blah blah. Not what I got.

What fashion types is W proudly showing off for Fall 2010?

- The Prepster With A Wild Streak

- The Valedictorian

- The Party Animal

- The Girl Who Eats Her Feelings

- The Virgin Suicide

Excuse me? The Virgin Suicide and The Girl Who Eats Her Feelings? What the hell fashion types are those? Who the hell thought this was a good idea?

According to the morons at W, The Girl Who Eats Her Feelings likes curve-enhancing dresses, and her fave designers include Victoria's Secret and Prada. Hello, W, have you heard of the eating disorder epidemic impacting young men and women? Douchebags.

The article is at www.wmagazine.com/fashion/2010/09/fashion_cliques in case you want to leave them kudos or slap them senseless.

Halloween comes early for the furry one...

This week I was at the pet store stocking up on food and treats for the pooches, and guess what, they have their Halloween stuff out!

I skipped the ghosts (boring), the sharks (didn't like it), the pumpkins (been there, done that), and got the little dude a cowboy outfit.

Awww, isn't he the cutest? And yes I may have had to bribe the furball with treats to get him to sit with the hat on his head. Maybe.

And to my friend Joe -- no, Monsieur Sarcasmo, he does not look like a member of the canine Village People!

Paul Newman on the gays...

" I'm a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being... by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that is irrelevant."

- Paul Newman, Oscar winning actor, pasta-making philanthropist, and social activist

I am... Whoopi Goldberg?

I was bored while watching TV -- it was President Obama or So You Think You Can Dance Canada -- so I started to cruise around the interwebz looking for something better to watch, and on the abc.com site I find a quiz about which View member are you. So I took it. Cuz yes I was that bored.

My answers to the Which View Co-Host Are You quiz: I like small dogs, potato chips, and musical theatre. I don't twitter. I like to dress fashionably. Then the analysis pops up...

Big sigh of relief --- I'm not brain-void Sherri Shepherd!

Bit of a disappointment --- I'm not sharp, sassy Joy Behar.

I am... Whoopi Goldberg.

Wait a sec -- dress fashionably and Whoopi Goldberg?

Their Whoopi-esque summary: You're funny and blunt and every once in a blue moon you lapse into a Valley Girl accent and you're not sure why. Among your friends, you keep things on topic - you're a leader. You're very laid back, but if something rubs you the wrong way, you're not afraid to ask "What the hell?"

Okay the Valley Girl thing is crap, and it annoys me she does it too. And aside from the bizarre defending of Mel Gibson lately, which is when Whoopi jumped the shark, this is super talented cool lady, from award winning performer to social activist.

Still, what the hell? I am soooo much more a Joy Behar!