September 14, 2010

Never lick a steak knife and other words of wisdom from Dave Barry...

Dave Barry is more than funny. Dave Barry is awesome.

While Dave Barry says he is considered funny strictly because of his copious use of the world "weasel", I think it is much more than that.

Like the funniest of funny people, he is wise. Some of his rules to live by...

1- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

3- Never lick a steak knife.

4- The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

5- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

6- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

7- Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

8- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

9- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

10- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers...

20 comments:

Annie (Lady M) x said...

Ha ha! I love the one that no matter what happens in life, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously - how true is that?!! Dave Barry is totally awesome!

Nicki said...

I love him so much! A couple of my faves (Besides the one you mentioned about saying a woman is preggos):

"I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care."

"It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin."

"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."

The Bear Monk said...

I've never heard of Dave Barry but I'm going to go look him up now. Hilarious stuff. And just an FYI...I am an above average driver damn it.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Uh-huh, sure, of course YOU are an above average driver. It is all those other guys.

I too am sure that I am a fabulous driver. Just don't ask my husband, who for some murky groundless reason thinks I am a speedy reckless lane-changing impatient driver. Where does he get that?

Ray's Cowboy said...

number 4 is so true mroe than any others. I love he sayings. Thanks for the laugh this morning.
Hugs
Ray

Fred Miller said...

I learn the most from Dave when he writes about the people who think he's not funny. He never puts his critics down. He makes them funny.

Michael Rivers said...

These are fantastic!! Tuesday morning laughs with my coffee. Very good!

Salt said...

Dave Barry is my hero.
It took me like 5 minutes to get past #1 on the list because I was laughing so hard.

Penny Lane said...

I love Dave Barry too. And my fantastic-ly awesome driving skills. And that pregnancy one couldn't be more true. I read one of his books years ago and often laughed out loud to the point of tears while reading.

I better get offa' here though. I'm late for traffic court. ;)

Miss Nikki said...

I once dated someone guilty of #5. When I told him it was over and why he thought it was a lame excuse. Don't ever be rude to waiters! They are in charge of your happiness (cocktails) plus they can spit in your food! ewww!

madtexter (corey james) said...

I live by #3. "Never lick a steak knife." (Because sometimes that 'knife' refers to some of the people I know.)

andygirl said...

so wise. so wise.

Elly Lou said...

I can't stop thinking that picture looks more like Martin Short, though. I'm easily distracted. Say, where did this paperclip come

Gill said...

Hehe I barely got past no.1 before almost losing my red wine to the laptop ...
Is 'steak knife' a euphemism? ():-)
I don't know Dave Barry, methinks I should change that! :)

Saucy B said...

Those are great. very funny.

Shirley said...

Love these - especially no 1 and 8 - me think I should be checking him out - you tube here I come :)

from the truly above average driver with 3 and one half years experience :P

Lauren said...

I disagree with #3. You just have to lick carefully. But why would you want to lick it, that's another question. I agree with #5 and applaud him for it. My mom's experienced #6. I have no comment on that one.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Oh I love Dave Berry. Have you ever read his piece about prepping for his colonoscopy? I almost wet my pants laughing so hard. I sent it to my husband the night before he had to start prepping for *his* colonoscopy.. you know, because I care and all.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/4895047/My-Colonoscopy-by-Dave-Barry

Kevin said...

Your husband gets his opinion from the passenger seat of your vehicle.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

I am a great driver. Embrace the bold driving.

I will concede the sense of direction is not sterling.

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