August 28, 2010

My evening in the emergency room (cuz I'm an idiot)...

I am patient number 021141510/001 at the Royal Alex hospital right here in Edmonton. Or at least I was a 10.30 last night --- hey, they don't reuse those numbers, do they?

Why was I at the emergency room? Well, it involved lube and my wedding ring...

A few weeks ago, I had a swollen knuckle and wound up changing my wedding ring to the other hand because it was too painful to take on and off. After a week or so, finger back to normal, wedding ring back on wedding ring finger, ooh blah dee, ooh blah dah, life goes on.

Thursday that knuckle was swollen a bit again, looking like I had hit it or jammed it in the door or something. Yes, again. What kind of idiot does that twice? My kind of idiot, apparently.

Yesterday it was sore, and then last night, when K's brother and sister-in-law were over for dinner, I could not get my ring off and my finger was really starting to ache. So later in the evening I asked for help to get my ring off my finger (hey, pull my finger...).

As none of my dinner companions is a medical doctor or a magical wizard, they had no further knowledge than I did, so we did what the medically curious have been doing since the dawn of time: googled "I cannot get my wedding band off". And got like 37 thousand hits, including lists, videos, Australian nurses, people disagreeing with each other, lots of information about weight gain during pregnancy, pictures of some pretty nasty jammed fingers, and some whackjob blaming the aliens.

The suggestions ranged from "pull harder" to having a surgeon cut the ring off, and hope to save your finger.

We tried moistening the ring and finger to slide it off, with soap, hand lotion, lube. We tried taping my fingers and cutting off circulation to make the finger and knuckle smaller. We tried some weird origami thing with dental floss to thread it off. That one took three people and hurt like hell. And didn't work.

After all this my knuckle was swollen like a painful pineapple. And I had gone from casually wondering what happened to freaking out that some third world medic was going to have to amputate my finger. And maybe a leg or two.

So off to the emergency room we went, at 10.30 on a Friday night.

First discovery -- "off to the emergency room" is easier said than done. We parked on the street near the well-lit main entrance, which was closed. Apparently it's a food court. We then wandered hospital building to hospital building until we found the non-lit emergency sign and went in.

No big line-up, then a friendly welcome by the triage nurse, then the slowest paperwork clerk ever, like Carol Burnett as Mrs. Wiggins only slower and not funny. We grew visibly older as she typed key by key by key. Aaaaargh!

After a quick five minutes in the waiting room, called in by cute gay doctor, who calls over other cute gay doctor, who examine my finger, warn me about the forthcoming pain, oil me up, and get to work. They slowly got it off. It hurt like hell. I was brave and solemn. Except for the whining, sweating, whimpering, and thinking I was gonna pass out. Yep, brave and solemn.

Their advice? The ring may be too small, and looks like I jammed or banged it pretty badly. So be less of a douche and start paying attention to what the hell I am doing with my finger...

32 comments:

Dazee Dreamer said...

So they oiled you up and worked it huh. Sounds kind of kinky to me :)

Fragrant Liar said...

So I guess now the joke around your house is "Pull my finger!"??

Glad you still have all your digits AND your ring.

Wonder Man said...

glad you are okay

TICKLEBEAR said...

garoting your fingers was not smart as it only engorged it further... if you were swollen, you should have put it on ice... i'm just saying. but funny story nonetheless. BTW: luv carol burnett!!
:D~
guess you'll be seeing your jeweller on monday to make it a tad bigger.

if you can't find the reason for the swelling, could it be arthrosis? i know personally, since i use some fingers more than others in my work, i get those swelling episodes, with the pain that comes with...
:/~
HUGZ

Gill said...

At least you got the cute gay doctors and not some old grump who gave you a lecture about misappropriate usage of your digits, so to speak ...
My mother swore by butter btw. ;-)
Hope your knuckle is ok though :) xx

inannasstar said...

I think the worst part of the story is that the doctors were hot. I HATE when I do some dumbass thing and end up with a hottie doc helping me. That damsel in distress thing doesn't work when you look like you have the IQ of eminem.

If I had a blog... said...

Glad you got the ring off and didn't lose the digit. Keep an eye on your fingers...and keep your fingers out of your eyes...guess that covers it :)

Ice and then oil would likely work (and a bigger ring).

Be well,
Ron

vanita said...

lube didn't work but the oil did? what? they've got magic oil or just more patience? you poor guy. lucky for you the doctor wasn't my uncle, cause the first thing he would have done was suggest amputation - just to freak you out.

Mrsblogalot said...

You poor thing! ....LOL @ Carol Burnett as Mrs. Wiggins...now..not then of course (-:

Glad you're ok!

Blair said...

Beyonce's song should really come with a warning: If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it that fit!

Glad you are okay honey.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

A five-minute wait? Must have been an uncharacteristically slow night. Usually it's 3-4 hours. Don't ask me how I know!

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Glad they were able to get it off without cutting and digits :o)

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

My finger is on the road to recovery already, and yes all the agitation definitely made it worse. Guess I cannot leave things alone!

And we did get in and out of the hospital quite quickly, while there were other people waiting. We wondered why. Likely because they thought we were a quick fix. Or our big smiles and endless charm?

harmzie said...

All the best stories start with "it involved lube and my wedding ring". I thought it was just me!

So glad it worked out. For the ring too!

Wicked Shawn said...

That's so unfair. My trips to the Emergency Room never end with 5 minute waits, hot doctors or oils. Could have something to do with living in Kentucky? I hear banjoes.......

bmat10 said...

Why not simply leave the ring on?

Gigi said...

Oh wow! That definitely had to be the shortest ER visit in the history of the world! Glad you were able to keep the finger!

Jabacue said...

Gotta love emergency rooms! Funny, same thing happened to us when hubby was there a month ago.....gay triage nurse.....hubby taken in immediately Whew! But had to stay for 8 hours. Any connection? I don't know.

andygirl said...

"start paying attention to what the hell I am doing with my finger..."

famous last words. and so many possibilities with that one that I can't even begin.

also: this just goes to show that nothing good can come from getting married. and that's just logic.

Roxy said...

You had a cute doctor and a short ER visit? Lucky!

Kelly@TearingUpHouses said...

This might be the funniest post. EVER.

Glad it's off.

Kelly

p.s. EVERRR.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Thanks Kelly!

And yes Roxy cute doctors (plural) and short visit. Plus driven to the hospital by my cute husband. And universal healthcare. So aside from the nasty finger incident, kind of a win?

Lauren said...

WTF? You get two gay doctors for a finger! I went into the emrgency room in a wheelchair and do you think I could get one cute gay doctor? Well... maybe I did... but he wasn't female! Not fair! I mean... I'm sorry to hear about your finger. I'm glad you managed to get it off finally.

Rusty Hoe said...

Okay I need to go to a Canadian hospital if you are serviced by cute gay doctors. I thought they were an urbane myth. Last time I was in I had the special ed doc who looked like he was the product of cousin loving and smelt faintly of old cigarettes and vomit. Mind you, there for a finger, a cute doc is fine. For things south of the boarder a cute doc is just awkward.

Hope the finger has healed up :)

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

You had me at lube!
Seems like it was the weekend for the ER. Glad all is well .... now.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Ha ha!!! "product of cousing loving"... that is hysterical!

Nicki said...

Seems you made out pretty good but sorry about the finger pain! If it happens again...more bad advice your way...Windex works. I never knew that until I was in the mall trying on rings that apparently I had NO business trying on these fat digits. I went to the desk thinking I would have to purchase the damn thing stuck on my hand. The woman got out the windex and it slid off! As an EMT/Firefighter, we get a lot of "walk-ins" for ring removal. You were lucky. I usually go straight for the ring cutters because the finger is way too swollen to aggrivate it more.

Gadgerson said...

As an American, the most amazing part of that story is....you only had to wait five minutes to see the doctor? Wow!!

that girl said...

funny but scary story. glad it all worked out. i have heard stranger wedding ring stories, like the one where he swallowed his ring.

Gigi said...

Glad you got the ring off. I've gotten mine stuck a few times and you start to panic...not sure why?!

Linda Medrano said...

Poor dear! Next time (if there is a next time), get the swollen bit on some ice and elevate it higher than your heart for about 15 minutes. That should reduce the swelling. And if not, go to the ER. Nope, I'm not a nurse, but I've had the same thing happen to me.

My regular doc is a cute gay man. We spend most of my examination time giggling over lube and stupidity!

tokenblogger said...

I clicked here from the post about your new ring and was VERY disappointed to find there was no picture goodness from this event posted.

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