January 19, 2012

Brrr... Canada's Long John Index...

We live in Edmonton, in northern Canada. It's effing cold here... "Winter Wonderland" my ass.

As I write this, it is 11 at night, I am watching TV, knowing I have to take the dogs out for a quick pee, and dreading it. It is MINUS 48 fucking degrees out there. Celsius. We are beyond extreme cold warnings, people. When it is this cold a digit could just fall off. An important one!

I wore ski socks and boots with my suit today. Standing outside to fill up my car was brutal. The autoclub is quoting nine hours for a flat tire service call. Everyone's nipples are painful and pointed like a Madonna bra. School buses are cancelled. Not the time to go commando.

Beyond dressing warm, at some point it should be long john weather. Although I am known to wear multiple pairs of fluffy ski socks and non-sexy layered sweats, I haven't worn these in years, though it may be time again. Here they are looking somewhat sexy, which trust me is not the real world...

Long johns, or long underwear, are warm thermal long-sleeved undergarments. When I was a kid I word these skiing. And nylon suspender over-pants. Attractive, huh? Who cares. warm is warm.

This week on twitter, the world's source of all real news, I discovered The Long John Index, a 'not-scientific-whatsoever' method of measuring when, and if, one should be wearing a pair of thermal long underwear, known more commonly in the Dominion of Canada as 'Long Johns”. The Long John Index originated in the Arctic Capital of Edmonton Alberta, in the second decade of the 21rst Century. It is used mainly for edutainment and gambling purposes.

The Index runs on a scale from 1 to 5; the higher the number, the more you need long john's. And I gotta tell you, these guys seem wimpy to me. With us nearing minus 50 it is hypothermia cars-don't-start weather, so yes we need long john's. Or to just stay home by the fireplace drinking hot chocolate and wearing every damn piece of clothing we own. But warmer than minus 30? Naaah...

Index rating 1: Low/Wimpy, temperatures between 0 and –10 celsius, no windchill. Long Johns not needed.

Index rating 2: Moderate, temperature between 0 and –10, with measurable windchill. Long Johns probably a good idea if you are spending more than an hour or so outdoors.

Index rating 3:
High, temperature between -10 and –20. Long Johns should be worn for being outdoors for anything more than half-an-hour.

Index rating 4: Crazy High, Temperature between –20 and –30. Long Johns should be worn if you are outdoors for more than 10 minutes. It’s bleeping cold.

Index rating 5: Effin Nuts, Temperatures of –30 and worse. Windchill no longer matters. Long Johns should be worn INDOORS. Don’t even bother going outdoors. You may die out there.

Today was a SIX. Off the damn scale. Effin nuts.. Crap oh crap. I need full-body long johns. Including a mask, so I look like I am robbing a bank. Then I will rob a bank, take the cash and move somewhere that is way warmer than this arctic wasteland... okay, breathe, better now, it's just a cold spell during a Canadian winter.... we get those.

And now to warm everyone, another gratuitous pic... here is proof there are fashion crimes even in the world of long johns... really, a jaguar print? Who thought of this? And, uh, where do they sell them and how warm are they? Hmm....

Find the index at http://longjohnindex.ca


Post a Comment

Comments are like chew toys and favourite treats. Alfie says thanks!