December 6, 2011

Joan Rivers live live live!

Tonight the hubby and I are seeing Joan Rivers live here in Edmonton. Very exciting, I am a huge fan -- she is bold, honest, and funny as hell. I simply choose to ignore the gargantuan over-sized feather-covered bedazzled neon blue cuff watches and anything else branded as "The Joan Rivers Collection"...

I saw Joan (yep, we are on a first name basis) about 20 years ago in Toronto with my friend Kathryn, and spent 90 minutes sitting there laughing hysterically seriously thinking I was going to pee myself. At that time her incredibly crude hysterical riffs were on Jodie Foster, Whitney Houston, and Katherine Hepburn... can't wait to see what she says now!

Here are some fave Joan Rivers quotes....

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor...


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