As a public service, here are ten rules for parking in underground parking lots.
Please note that this is not aimed at or inspired by anyone, but if you are the 20-something teenage criminal driving the large black pickup truck with hero tires in an unnamed underground downtown Edmonton parking lot at approximately 1:47 yesterday afternoon, read on...
1- When in line up to enter the lot, the cars behind you are happy to wait, so take your time, be sure to comb through your handbag and apply lipstick before getting a ticket from machine.
2- Drive v-e-r-y slowly through the lot, letting a serpentine line form behind you, as you don't want to miss a tiny space for your big damn truck.
3- When driving through the lot, ignore those painted lanes; they're optional if you are playing rap music really loud with open windows.
4- Park your large 8-cylinder pick-up truck in two spots marked "small cars only".
5- Never slow down for speed bumps.
6- If you see a driver backing out of their spot, creep up really slowly and really close so the other driver has to pull back in to let you pass.
7- Communication is a good thing. Text while driving.
8- Never pay attention to directional signs. They are intended for people who don't know what they are doing.
9- The first parking space you see will be the only parking space you see. Get it!
10 - When in doubt, accelerate.
As for that moron in the black pick-up truck, do me a favour and get yourself a damn bike, you drive worse than Mr Bean on crack.
On the Rag, Vol. 345
4 hours ago