April 7, 2011

5 Better Ideas For Royal Wedding Crap...

It's Royal Wedding time... yeah, yeah, I know, big frigging deal. While technically the Royal Family is our royal family here in Canada, I don't feel the attachment... she's wearing his mom's ring, he isn't wearing a ring, her blue engagement dress is the hottest look of the season, why the hell do I know this stuff? Whoop de doo.

As with previous royal weddings, there is merchandising galore, like Disneyland without the mouse ears. I've seen ads for jewellery, china, key chains, teapots, biscuit tins, t-shirts, clocks, teddy bears, coins, Kiss Me Kate beer, coffee mugs, thimbles, and even Will & Kate barf bags. Classy barf bags aside, this stuff seems predictable and tame to me. These ideas are way better...

1- Royal Family Condoms: protect your scepter with THE family jewels; hey, these kids have been living together for years, they gotta be using condoms, or...

2- Her Majesty Birth Control Pills: elegantly packaged in a crown-shaped pill dispenser.

3- Prince Charles and Camilla Bobblehead's: Hey their noggins are are pretty big anyhow, might as well stick them on a spring.

4- Duke of York Organic Dog Treats: why should Alfie be left out of the hoopla?

5- Howard Stern and Bette Midler's Video History of the Royal Family: because they'd be raunchy and funny as hell...

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