December 5, 2009

Texting for Morons

Driving home from work yesterday was a snow-filled adventure. We had our first big storm of winter, getting about 25 cm of snow so far (for you on the old system, that's about 92 feet), with lots of wind and very cold temperatures -- the airport was cancelling flights, bridges were closed, I saw several city buses conked out on the major roads, the city was pretty much a mess.

So bad as it was -- and a day later the streets remain an icy snowy mess -- let's face it, we live in the north, and winter happens. So what the fuck is up with the widespread burst of rampant brain-deadedness that hit all the drivers out there?

Yesterday I am leaving work, driving at like 5.30 PM, it is pitch black, the 6-lane Jasper Avenue is down to 2 lanes due to snow and dead transit buses, and the jerk beside me is texting while he is driving. Excuse me? Leave your brain outside in a snow pile?

Then about 12 feet and 20 minutes ahead, at a busy intersection, and remember pitch black and snow and wind, a guy rushes across the street carrying one child and pushing another in the stroller -- and typing on his phone. Hey jerkwad-- I am hitting the brakes on an icy road trying not to plow down your kids, do ya think that message can wait a bit?

And then, moron #3 -- as the road curves right, there is a dunce making a left turn - remember, pitch black, snowing, messy roads -- and Mr Airhead is tap-tapping on his phone as he slides thru the intersection. What is Mr Buzzwhack typing, "hey, honey, I am about to slide into a nun pushing a baby carriage?" What the hell couldn't wait?

So to be of service to these and other morons out there, here's Alfie's basic rules of safe texting:
1- Don't text when driving.
2- Don't text when walking across the street.
3- Don't text when walking across the street in the dark when it is snowing.
4- Don't text when walking across the street with young children in the dark when it is snowing.
5- Don't text when walking up or down stairs.
6- Don't text when walking on a tightrope.
7- Don't text when flying a plane.
8- Don't text when you are a professional athlete having multiple adulterous affairs.
9- Don't text when you are an idiot (that one's for you, Sarah Palin).
10- Don't text during the movies or a concert... okay that is not really a safety thing, it just annoys the hell out of me.

I hope this helps. I am here to serve. Morons.


Derek Cromwell said...

I had a witty comment for you but I was texting while typing this and forgot what it was. *click. send.*

L Avery Brown said...

Oh my gosh! So glad I decided to pop by your blog because it was SO funny! I'm always amazed at how people drive when the weather is less than ideal...add texting to the mix and you've got yourself something special. Of course,where I live (in the South) we don't get a lot of snow but we do get moisture on the roads and when it rains people suddenly decide they're in a Goodyear All-Weather tire commercial.

Great blog...I've got to come back.


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