January 5, 2011

An Open Letter to Dr Laura...

We don't have to look past current headlines, and sometimes not even past our own families and schools and neighbours, to see the haters out there. An example of that is radio talk show host Dr Laura, a homophobe and racist who recently moved to satellite radio so yes you can now hear her absolutely fucking everywhere.

I first saw this letter probably ten years ago when Dr Laura was on her first high profile hate trip against gays, and then stumbled across it again last week, and it hit me with a wallop both times. I couldn't say it better, so here it is:

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.


Simple Dude said...

What a great letter - Dr. Laura always did piss me off for a variety of reasons. An old girlfriend of mine from about 12 years ago used to listen to her and I couldn't believe the crap she would spout off about.

Dr. Laura that is, not the GF. Although come to think of it she would spout off about nonsense too.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Ugh. When will that tiresome woman crawl back under her rock?

Amy said...

This is hilariously awesome. I love the passive aggressiveness of it!

The Random Blogette said...

This is freaking fantastic! I hate Dr. Laura with every inch of my being. I just can't believe that people would actually believe the drivel that she spouts out.

A Martini Always Helps said...

This is pure genius.

Ray's Cowboy said...

I love this letter. Wonder what she thought of it?


Jabacue said...

Yes, this is great! I hope it has helped stop her hateful,ignorant and uneducated opinions.

Kage said...

omigod...omigod...STOP IT...i can't BREATHE! hahahaha!

that letter's a fucking joke, right? right?!

holy. crap.

firstly, i don't actually know who dr. laura is - maybe we don't get her syndicated homophobic horseshit pumped through our igloos up here in the canadias, but it sounds like we're missing out on some hilarious propaganda. unfortunately.

but if this moron is serious? i would say that with this letter, he just scored one for OUR team.

i mean, i would say, look at that letter, and decide, homophobes - who do YOU want to live next to? someone who just wants to live their life peacefully, maybe with the person they love, just like you, maybe have a family, just like you, maybe grow old together, just like you?

or do you wanna live beside the ignorant fuck who wants to kill you, kill your family, kill HIS family, and kill anyone who wears a cotton/polyester blend?!

anyone who seriously believes the propaganda spewed forth in that letter above is a dangerous threat to ANYONE who comes near them.

and THAT IS something to fear.

Bailey said...

Hahaha forgive me for laughing at this because ignorance really isn't funny. Who the hell gives these people book contracts and radio shows? And I never understood why they have their panties in a bunch about what everyone else does. Try as I might I really can't understand how someone can be such a complete and utter moron.

Gigi said...

That letter is genius. I would love to know how Dr. Laura responded. I'm sure she never did.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

I love this letter, I think it calls out

@ Kage - yes we get Dr Laura here in Canada (I am in Edmonton). Unfortunately. I don't think the letter is "real" in terms of actually doing or thinking of doing any of that stuff, is a vey effective way to show the hypocrisy of bigots like Dr Laura, who quotes the bible very selectively as it suits her agenda.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Oops dropped first part of my thought - clearly I cannot multi-task: I think it calls out the lack of info and hypocrisy and hot air of people who rant hate and claim they only want to help people. Dr Laura has also said women who go to work are bad mothers. Lovely isnt she?

Kevin said...

On a recent business trip, I rented a vehicle which had satellite radio. I was able to listen to Dr Laura for a couple of hours, just to get my blood boiling. She had just 'moved' to satellite radio and was wrapping up her 'terrestrial' radio show. She started her satellite radio show saying her move from 'terrestrial' radio to 'satellite' radio was to avoid FCC regulations on what could be said on her show without repercussion. Of course, I am paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

Princess Pamela said...

I've always been curious as to whether "Dr." Laura ever provided answers to these questions? Wouldn't it be cool to call her up on her radio show and ask her...over and over and over and over....you know...until she gets the message she's a horrid, hypocritical b!tch.

Yes, I'm an Evangelical Christian. Yes, I know what the bible says about homosexuality. I also know that Christ's coming and the New Testament are what we "should" be following, and as near as I can figure, Jesus is all about loving your neighbors and "judge not, lest you be judged".

I don't believe it's my place to decide what is and isn't right in this world. I simply try to treat people the way I want to be treated and sexuality doesn't enter the picture - there's no reason for it to.

Dazee Dreamer said...

omg. perfect letter. she always made me pissed off when she would say, "and you have to stay married until all your kids don't live at home anymore". Ok, bitch, because it's so much better for the kids to hear their dad call their mom names and hit her. yup.

And btw, when her son was younger, wouldn't she have been a working mom?

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

@ Pamela -- thanks, beautifully put!

@ Dazee -- I agree, and yes the hypocrisy continues when it comes to the good Dr.!

Ray Hiltz said...

It's so true. I remember reading this a while ago and thought about it recently after reading an article in the paper about extremist Muslims and their take on the Koran - very similar actually.

Unfortunately, one can't reason with people who on the one hand say that the word of god is infallible then choose to follow whichever ones that don't inhibit their right to fuck around, eat too much, or hate their neighbours.

vickilikesfrogs said...

Wait...Dr. (and I use that term laughingly) Laura said mothers who go to work are bad, right? Wasn't she AT WORK when she said that? Nuff said.

Katie Gates said...

Great letter. And it's details like these that remind me that the Bible is nothing but a book of mythology. It blows me away that anyone would view it as a history tome.

Kage said...


you're in edmonton?! i'm in calgary!

Vodka Logic said...

That is a great letter, I have never seen it. Not more I can say that your previous commenters have said. Just live and let live....

I see you found my friend Throwing Quarters. He is a great blogger and great friend. Actually had the pleasure of going to Cleveland to meet him and his family.

PS If it turns out we can have slaves from Canada can I have you? kidding of course.

Penny Lane said...

This. is. awesome. I am going to go out of my way to make sure everyone I know reads it.

BeckEye said...

I'm laughing so hard I can hardly breathe. Does laughing at this make me a sinner? How should I die?

Nicki said...

This is hysterical!!!!!!! Thanks for posting!

Aunt Juicebox said...

I had no idea she was a homophobe, but I can remember hearing her on the radio as a kid, and thinking, holy crap, is that woman a BYOTCH or what?

Didactic Pirate said...

Always hated Dr. Laura. It's a total mystery to me how the woman got as far as she did.

Oh wait. She panders to ignorant morons. Got it.

tokenblogger said...

I never liked Dr. Laura. I have nothing else to say here.

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